


Spectrum

by SheLitAFire



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren's meltdowns give me life, No Leia Superman/Leia Poppins in this story!, No one kills Admiral Ackbar. No One, Poe's Mansplaining, Save Ben Solo, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, The Last Jedi made my heart explode, Unbreak My Heart, force ghosts will probably troll the characters, pushing Rey out of the way to take Ben's hand, reverse Anidala, sorry for the slow updates, started this story while still working on another one, yeah sure some other characters can be in this story too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-02-16 17:44:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13058982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SheLitAFire/pseuds/SheLitAFire
Summary: "You failed because you thought his decision was made. It wasn't." She had told Luke this with such intense resolution in her voice. But Rey failed in exactly the same way Luke had. She had acted impulsively and naively, thinking Ben would change within the course of an hour, thinking that his future was set in stone.Coming to terms with her own failure after the Battle of Crait will be a struggle. She is just a strong headed and willful as Ben Solo. But can she finally swallow her pride and reach out to Ben through their force connection, assuaging the rift between them?Ben needs to grow up. He needs to begin his path to redemption by himself. But he also needs someone to not give up on him for once in his life.In other words:set to the tune and lyrics of: Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton (thanks Daisy Ridley for telling us what Kylo Ren's go to karaoke song is!)STATUS: on hiatus





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N-Hi. This is my attempt to repair my own heart after watching  Star Wars: The Last Jedi  I’ve been a Reylo since December 2015 and while I obviously love elements in  The Last Jedi, Rian Johnson basically took my heart, stroked it lovingly, and then stomped on it. I just needed to write this story to grapple with my own mixed feelings and heartache after Episode VIII.  
> I tried to think of a more graceful sounding title, but I just couldn't get Spectrum out of my head. It just feels right for where this story is headed.  
> Anyway, please enjoy, thank you for reading, please let me know if you spot a mistake. I hope you like it, but ultimately it's for my own catharsis and in the words of Rian Johnson: "make a story you want to tell." Also, shout out to a fellow Reylo writer who has inspired me to write for over a year now: vinventure12. Please check out her story: The Space Between the Stars because it really sets the bar high for Star Wars and Reylo stories, and fanfiction in general. She'll probably be embarrassed about my S/O but oh well, I don't even care!  
> xoxoxoxo

_“I’m not giving you anything.  
_ _We’ll see.”_

_“You need a teacher. Let me show you the ways of the force.”_

_Fingers reaching out. Seeing the milky white flesh of his hand for the first time. Feeling the heat from their hands before the actual skin contact._

_“You’re nobody. But not to me.”_

_“Ben, I saw your future, just the shape of it, but it was clear and solid.”_

_“You’re so lonely.”_

_“The belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead.”_

_Finger tips touching. It felt electrifying, a jolt through her core. Gasp. Softness. Heat. Dark eyes penetrating her soul. Skin to skin contact that felt like nothing she had ever experienced before. Dizzying. Her heart felt like it was in her throat. Her breath hitched._

_Longing eyes. Longing hearts._

_Connection. Understanding. Empathy._

_“You failed because you thought his decision was made. It wasn’t.”_

_“It’s just us now.”_

Rey moaned in her sleep, turning over in her cot and punching the flimsy pillow under her head, her neck aching. Drool pooled around the corner of her mouth as she became cognizant of her surroundings again. _Ben._

The last week had been chaotic to say the least. As the Millennium Falcon soared away from Crait, escaping the First Order, everyone scrambled; either fussing over Rose, trying to provide her with medical attention with the supplies the Falcon yielded, or scrambling to decide on a destination.

Rey had sat, watching Finn pull the thin blanket up around Rose. Rey smiled, feeling bittersweet about the moment between Finn and Rose. So much had happened since she had been separated from Finn in nearly the same way, when she had been looking down at Finn, wounded from battle. It felt like years ago at this point. She was not the same person anymore, and nor was he. She was glad Finn had found another friend. But she felt a tinge of jealousy. Not a romantic jealousy for Finn per se, but rather a longing to share an uninterrupted, meaningful relationship with someone.

Her feelings were a jumbled mess of tension, longing, sadness, anger, anxiety, and disgust with feeling Ben’s rage flow through their connection during the Battle of Crait. But most confusing of all were the layers of disappointment. She had believed she could truly save him. _A naïve belief,_ she scoffed. _He’s filled with too much anger. Too much darkness,_ she thought bitterly.

 _But…but…_ as much as Rey wanted to try to rationalize her interactions with him in that way she knew that wasn’t the whole truth. There was something else there and she saw it.

And another layer of disappointment scared her. It waved a yellow flag, bidding her to slow down, to think, to stop focusing on what’s wrong with Ben and evaluate her own flaws. _Rey…_ it called to her, gentle but urgent, _you gave up on him too._

She pushed back against her conscience. _I can’t think about that now. I have more important work to do._ She tried to concentrate on the role she played with the Resistance turned Rebellion now. They had to pick up the pieces of the miserable defeat on Crait. She shoved the feeling of disappointment in herself aside, determined to make a difference with the Rebellion. This is where she belonged.

But that only left her feeling hollow and guilty.

She sat up, rolling her head back and to the other side. Everything in her body ached from the fight against Snoke’s guards on the Supremacy, from being force manipulated by Snoke himself, from the pent up tension during the Battle of Crait. She slowly swiveled her legs off the cot, her shoeless but clothed feet hitting the floor. She padded over to the chest she had stored her clothes, her three meager outfits. She looked back and forth between her options, only dressed in her pants from Ahch-To and the beige cloth wrapped around her torso. All the outfits brought back conflicted or painful memories.

Her scavenger’s outfit representing the loneliness and desolation she felt on Jakku. The outfit she wore when she witnessed Han, one of her first friends, die. The outfit she’d worn when she had fought Ben in the snow when she’d been filled with terror that melted into vengeance with every swing of the blue lightsaber that had chosen her over him.

Her second outfit, lighter in color and in weight. The vest that kept her warm at night. The ivory cream colored shirt that fit her snugly, that made her feel more womanly than her scavenger outfit with its low v-neck. She recalled when she had first put it on before leaving D’Qar. She had stared at herself in the mirror for minutes, amazed that after just a couple of days she could feel so different about herself. And while she liked this outfit, it reminded her of her time with Luke. The truth of his past with his nephew. The shock and repulsion she felt when she found out. It was enough to make her nauseous all over again. Luke was supposed to be a legend. A hero. He had not only failed his nephew, he had nearly committed an atrocity, and then he had given up and hidden himself away. Tears welled in Rey’s eyes as she remembered the night she heard Ben’s point of view, could _see_ and _experience_ the memory through him because of their strange force bond. _No, I can’t think of that now_ , she sniffed, forcing the tears to desist, swallowing her emotions. Leia had told her that Luke had gone to Ben on Crait, peaceful about his decision. And Rey had felt when he passed on and became one with the force. She could only hope that his last interaction with Ben had been worth it. She had no idea. She had been busy saving the Resistance.

But the third outfit wasn’t any better. She ran her fingers over the dark material of the tunic. She had fought alongside Ben in that outfit. She had stood so close to him in the elevator, looking up at him with pleading eyes. Snoke had exhaled his awful aura onto her, forcing her to come close and stay still before him. She shuddered and closed the chest. It had been days of wearing that outfit. The stench of sweat, fire, and ashes clung to the material. She grimaced. She couldn’t bear to wear it anymore.

She slipped to the door, poking her head out and hoping to find a familiar and feminine face. She was in luck.

“Connix, can you come here for a minute?” Rey begged, hiding her body behind the door. Lieutenant Connix was across and slightly down the hallway, tapping away at a screen in the wall panel.

Connix smiled warmly as Rey opened the door more, making way for the female Resistance leader to enter.

“Are you ok?” Connix asked, her brown eyes gentle as she looked Rey over.

“Yes, I was just wondering if you had some extra clothes.”

“Well our supplies are limited of course, but I’ll see what I can do.” She gave Rey another once over, assessing her size and then disappeared.

Rey sat back down on her cot, propping her elbows on her knees. _What a whirlwind._ She rubbed her forehead. She felt a nudge on the telepathic connection between her and Ben. It wasn’t the first time in the last week. He’d tried a couple of times within hours of the Battle of Crait. She resisted as much as she could, although the force connection seemed to have a will of its own. She could feel the emotions rolling off of him. It seemed to be a mix of emotions, quite like her own internal tangled mess. Anger was the loudest, most forceful of them all. But she could feel despair, confusion, and even regret emanating from him.

But she was tired. She wanted to be left alone. The dreams every night, _every damn night_ , were enough to make her go insane, without the pull of the force connection.

 _Leave. Me. Alone._ She warned, her body trembling. _I mean it._ She grit her teeth so hard her jaw hurt. He pushed back. No, more like punched back. She caught a fleeting vision of his fist slamming into a wall. It was gloved again. Hidden. Closed off.

Her heart stammered. She didn’t have enough energy to fight off the connection, to try to remain closed to it. Beads of sweat from her mental exertion to keep him closed out of her mind were beginning to form around her hairline. It felt like the first time, when she was strapped to the interrogation chair. The first time she looked in his eyes. And saw something more than just a villain.

The door slid open with a whoosh, interrupting her thoughts. She looked up and blinked. Connix stood before her, holding out some muted green pants and a beige tunic.

The connection with Ben slammed shut. He sensed someone else’s presence. Emptiness replaced the onslaught of his emotions. Rey couldn’t decide which she preferred.

“Rey…” Connix said cautiously.

“Sorry,” Rey’s voice cracked. “Thank you, Lieutenant Connix.” She grabbed the clothes quickly, avoiding Connix’s eyes.

“Please, call me Kaydel.”

Rey swallowed as she turned the other way to slip into the clothes. The pants were loose fitting, possibly a man’s pair, but Rey didn’t mind. The tunic looked like material quickly sewn together. Again, Rey didn’t care.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Connix said, as if reading Rey’s thoughts. “The pants are men’s. I couldn’t find much.”

“They’re fine.” Rey wrapped a belt around her waist, pulling the waistline tighter around her. “There, see?” She looked up and gave Connix a small smile, moving her hips back and forth. “Did you make the tunic?”

“I did. Just found a few pieces of cloth. Simple stitch.”

“I appreciate it.” Rey pulled it over her head and immediately felt more refreshed.

Connix walked around behind her, appraising Rey. “Would you like me to do something different with your hair?”

“Oh, uh…” Rey touched her shoulder length hair awkwardly. The top half was still pulled up, but the three buns of her girlhood were gone.

“I could do a braid or a few braids. Buns like mine. I’m pretty good with various styles actually. My mother taught me when I was younger. She always had the most magnificent hair styles.”

It was Rey’s turn to observe the other woman. Connix was far shorter, had a sweet, round face, a rosy complexion, and by Rey’s judgment, a more feminine curve to her body. Rey felt awkwardly tall and gangly in comparison. She ran her palms down the side of her pants.

“I…no. This is fine,” Rey stammered. She wasn’t used to being fussed over.

“Ok, well let me know if you ever change your mind. I keep mine in two buns like this for practicality. But every now and then I let it down and do something different with it.” Connix smiled like she had some great secret, her cheeks flushing slightly. It made Rey curious.

“Connix, how old are you?” Rey asked bluntly.

“ _Please,_ call me Kaydel. And I’m 21. You?”

“I…umm…19.” At least that’s what Rey estimated. She was _pretty sure_ that was right.

Connix smiled sweetly again and Rey tried to return the smile but it didn’t feel natural after so many years of having to glare at others to ward off the predators and scumbags on Jakku. Her cheeks felt stiff and she was sure she looked silly.

“Lieutenant Connix,” Poe’s voice patched through on the blonde’s comlink.

“Lieutenant Connix to Commander Dameron,” Connix winked at Rey and turned to leave the room.

The last thing Rey heard before the door closed behind Connix was “I could use your input on something if you want to report to command.”

* * *

Akiva was a humid, jungle planet. The air was sticky and stifling. On Leia’s orders, Chewie gracefully flew the Millennium Falcon down into a wide cleft in the ground, plunging into darkness until he found a wide, open place to land. Leia had chosen the catacombs of Akiva, a former holding facility the Republic used, and even before that as a droid factory during the Clone Wars.

Leia lit a torch and led them through the darkness until she tapped on a wall and the stone moved, forming an entryway into the catacombs. The place hadn’t been used by the Republic in decades, but there were some supplies left over and it would be sufficient for shelter for awhile at least. Leia concluded that the First Order would begin tracking down other old Rebel bases, after the stunt on Crait, and that they needed to plan their next move quickly.

Poe had set up command, Leia quietly watching him from the shadows of the catacombs. Poe put Connix his second in command. Finn would be his chief adviser on the First Order. Rose lay, recovering from the impact of her crash on Crait, her vitals steady, but her mind still unconscious.

Rey felt like an outsider looking in. She had only spent a full day and two nights on D’Qar before leaving for Ahch-To to find Luke. Most of that time she’d spent in the infirmary, by Finn’s side. She didn’t know anyone other than Finn and Leia, and now Connix and Poe, but all four of them were preoccupied with making plans. Rey stood awkwardly to the side during meetings. They told her to come. They wanted her input. Today she stood close to Chewie, syncing the pace of her breathing to his, finding it therapeutic.

But any true sense of belonging was a simple thread in a tapestry that wove everyone else together. She remembered Maz’s words to her on Takodana. It was hard not to repeat them in her head daily, she dreamed about them every night. _“The belonging you seek is not behind you, it is ahead.”_

But she didn’t understand why that belonging was still missing then. She gave up Jakku. She gave up trying to find her parents, even before Ben had revealed what he saw about them. She had changed her clothes. She had let go of her trademark hair. She abandoned the idea of scratching lines into a wall, desperate to keep count and hold out hope. She needed to talk to Maz. She needed to understand why she still didn’t feel the belonging she sought.

 _But you have felt a belonging, even if only fleeting;_ something inside of her felt like it was stroking her heart, trying to get her to remember. _No,_ she growled internally. _That belonging was a façade._

_Was it?_

When she had touched Ben’s fingertips it had been the most glorious moment of her life, even better than when Luke had talked her through her meditation. All her senses had been heightened. Warmth pooled through her, both physically and emotionally. But Rey quickly buried that memory, turning her attention back to Poe who was currently studying a map of the galaxy and asking for suggestions for their next hideout.

“We can’t just keep going from hiding place to hiding place,” Finn said frustrated. “We have to take action.”

“We need to rebuild our support. In numbers, in ships, in weapons,” Connix replied. “And we used Leia’s message to reach out to our former allies while we were on Crait. No one answered.” Connix couldn’t hide the anxiety and sadness in her voice. Silence followed.

Poe sighed. “Give it time. Let them see how destructive the First Order really is, then I think we’ll have more support again. We can’t lose hope.” Poe shot a pointed look at Leia from across the room. She remained stoic, her face half hidden behind shadows.

* * *

“Rey?...Rey?”

Rey shook herself out of her daze and looked up to meet Finn’s concerned eyes. He handed her a cup of steaming Gesha tea, a luxury item for the rebels now, something everyone celebrated as they found the supply in the catacombs.

“Thank you.” She held the cup of tea up to her face, letting the steam warm her.

“Hey, you feeling ok?” He sat down beside her, his voice gentle and soft.

“Sorry, I just…” she couldn’t finish her sentence, something inside of her held her back from revealing what she was feeling.

“So, now that we have some time, tell me, what happened with Luke? Did you complete your training?”

Rey snorted and restrained herself from rolling her eyes. Luke had taught her two lessons. The first had inspired her. The second left her confused. Jedi hubris? Failure? What she had learned from him was he had given up. On his family, on the galaxy, on himself. But she pushed her confusion aside, not wanting to sort through his lessons.

“I…did some physical training,” she smiled now, remembering how effortlessly she had adapted the routine with her staff to using the lightsaber. The way she had sliced that rock had felt so satisfying, even despite Ahch-To’s Caretakers’ angry glares.

“And he taught me a little bit about the force. But I didn’t stay for very long.”

“You knew we were in trouble,” Finn said, his eyes shining with pride.

“Well…yes,” Rey admitted, feeling sheepish. Rey swallowed nervously, wiggling in her seat across the table from Finn.

“I went to face Snoke,” Rey continued, her eyes carefully trained on Finn to read his reaction. His jaw dropped.

“You…what?!”

“It was going to happen eventually, better sooner than later.”

“But…but…” Finn stammered, shock seemingly paralyzing him.

“I survived,” she said resolutely, sitting up straighter. “And he’s dead.” She had told Leia about her encounter with Snoke, leaving out some of the more intimate details about her connection with Ben. Leia asked about the broken light saber and the story came tumbling out of Rey’s mouth, faster than she could think through it. Leia had listened shrewdly and patiently, her body tense and rigid, her eyes sharp and focused.

“Was Kylo Ren there with you?” Finn’s voice was husky with emotion, his eyes darkening with an intensity that frightened Rey.

“Yes.” She lifted her chin.

“And?” Finn huffed.

Rey’s eyes dropped to the cup of tea in front of her, now lukewarm. “He’s the one who killed Snoke,” she answered, her voice low and quiet.

“You can’t be serious?!”

Her eyes shot back up to Finn’s. “I am,” she choked. The moment in Snoke’s throne room came rushing back to her. The moment when she had held her breath, searching Ben’s eyes as he ignited his red lightsaber in front of her; primed, ready to kill. But his eyes weren’t angry as he stared back at her. In fact, it was one of the most peaceful expressions she’d ever witnessed from anyone. Then he killed his true enemy.

Finn studied her closely, his eyes calculating. “ _Why_ did he kill him?” he asked suspiciously.

“I…I don’t know,” she answered. _Yes you do,_ something inside of her whispered. It wasn’t the force connection with Ben, it was something within her, that same feeling that tried to remind her of when she _had_ felt a deep sense of belonging, the same feeling that prodded her to examine her own weaknesses and shortcomings, that urged her not to give up on Ben.

“And then what happened?” Finn’s voice still dark and intense.

“I escaped and came to find you guys.”

“How did you escape?”

“The blast on the Supremacy knocked us both out, but I came to before he did and was able to get away.”

“So…we were on the Supremacy at the same time?”

Rey nodded with large, childlike eyes. Everything seemed so surreal. Finn had told everyone how he and Rose had escaped, about his fight with Phasma. Poe had slapped him on the back, congratulating him for successfully overthrowing his number one oppressor, the commander of the Stormtroopers, the demon in Finn’s past.

“Rey,” Finn reached out across the table to take her hand. “I’m so glad you are safe after all of that. Kylo Ren is a monster.”

 _“I am a monster,”_ Kylo had told her as she stood on the cliff of Ahch-To, listening to the waves crash against the rocks, feeling the cold rain against her skin.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” she broke eye contact with Finn, looking down. She felt dizzy.

“Go rest,” Finn reassured her, squeezing her hand. She nodded weakly, rising from the table.

“I suppose I wasted this precious tea.”

“Not a waste,” Finn shook his head. “I’ll reheat it. Don’t worry about it. You’ve got enough on your mind.”

She gave Finn a small, sad smile before retreating back to her room. Her mind felt quiet and for a split second she thought about trying to reach out to Ben through the force, just to feel him. But she stopped herself.

* * *

“Rey, you should come.” Poe’s voice sounded urgent, but what frightened Rey even more was the look in his eyes.

And the way he held his hand out to her. For a moment she was transported back to the Supremacy and facing Ben. Ben’s arm was thrust forward, his eyes pleading, his hand offering her a future. In a split second her heart felt like a rock, punching against its chamber, desperate to be free from the walls that restrained it.

“Rey,” Poe repeated.

“Yes,” she said calmly, her eyes focusing back on Poe again.

“It’s Leia. She’s sick. She’s requested you to come.”

* * *

**A/N-Next chapter will be Kylo Ren/Ben-centric :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N-1) Ok, so I’m choosing to deliberately call him Ben in most of the scenes, except he’ll still be Kylo Ren to the First Order, Hux, Knights of Ren. 2) Also, I promise I will not always be as harsh on Rey as I am in one scene of this chapter. Remember, it’s from Ben’s pov. That being said, Rey definitely has lessons to learn & an emotional journey she needs to struggle through. 3) As you can tell, with this story I really want to hone in on the emotional side of their relationship and nuance within themselves…I won’t ignore the Resistance or First Order, but that’s not going to be the focus of this story.
> 
> 2 Footnote References at the end.

 

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!”

 

Lieutenant Elyaan Buscar’s eyes darted across the room to gauge the reaction of her commanding officer. Hux sat, his back rigid, his eyes glazed over as he stared out the ship deck’s window at the stars. The screaming continued.

“Leave him be,” Hux advised, his voice stiff, as the officers on deck began to fidget. He tried to maintain a calm and nonplussed guise, but the bulging vein in his forehead and pulsating temples betrayed him, indicating he was grinding his teeth. In fact, he was livid. _This is not how any type of leader should act._

Hux had already begun to devise a plan that would depose Kylo Ren and propel himself into power. In a moment of weakness, completely irritated with Kylo’s meltdowns, he thought about barricading Kylo in his rooms and evacuating the ship, only to blow it up with Kylo inside. But no, that wouldn’t do. It wasn’t worth it to destroy a perfectly good ship just to take down Kylo Ren. He wanted a satisfyingly cruel way of crushing Kylo. Mulling over ideas was the only thing that was currently keeping Hux sane.

They heard the low scream again. The officer next to Elyaan grimaced, his eye twitching. Everyone on the Finalizer was used to Kylo Ren’s moody outbursts, but this had been going on intermittently for days, stronger and scarier than usual. Their supposed leader hadn’t emerged from his private rooms since boarding the Finalizer. Many were beginning to wonder if he would succumb to insanity and even kill himself. The officers assumed his strong reaction was a result of losing the surviving Resistance members and not being able to kill Luke. The story quickly spread among the First Order: Luke emerging from the smoke after all guns had fired on him repeatedly. Kylo’s lightsaber slicing through Luke, but to no avail. Luke appeared to be a hologram of some sort, or at least that’s how it seemed to First Order members who didn’t understand the force. Little did anyone know that losing Rey was the source of most of his agony, more than the Resistance, more than Luke.

“Keep focused,” Hux’s voice sliced through the tension in the air. “Sooner or later he’ll damage his vocal chords. Permanently, if we’re lucky.”

* * *

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!” Ben’s face shook at his stood, shrieking at the wall. Eyes bloodshot. Lips cracked and bloodied from dehydration.

“I’m willing the force to open our connection,” he demanded, speaking to no one but himself. He strained himself, exerting all the energy he had into reaching out through the force to connect with her. Droplets of sweat raced down the sides of his face. He held his breath, his skin turning red, his neck swelling. He even lifted his arm out, prone to habit when he used the force on people in close proximity.

Nothing.

“Answer me!!!” he bellowed, his voice sounding possessed, as he commanded the force to find the girl; the scavenger; _Rey_. The connection seemed severed, the force unwilling to help. He desperately needed some kind of connection to open back up. The loneliness of not having it there anymore made him want to claw at his skin and yank out his hair. He punched the wall, his fist slamming into it again and again. He wore his glove but he could tell his knuckles were bruising, the skin tearing, blood pooling inside the leather.

Finally he stopped, turning his back and leaning against the wall for support, trying to catch his breath. He slid down the wall, sitting on shards of glass and plastic; a result of smashing the objects in his room. His legs felt limp and heavy stretched out in front of him, the sound of glass crunching beneath the heel of his boots as he adjusted his back against the wall.

His throat felt raw, as if a razor had scraped the back of it repeatedly. He only had himself to blame for that though. In the last few days since the Battle of Crait he’d taken to a cycle of angry screaming, violent aggression as he beat and broke things, crying uncontrollably; succumbing to restless sleep when he finally overexerted himself.

Even before returning to the Finalizer, Ben had cycled through about a dozen emotions after watching the Millennium Falcon soar away. The Stormtroopers and Hux shuffled around the mountain bunker on Crait, sorting through anything the Resistance left that might be useful to the First Order. Kneeling, Ben held the gold chain with the dice in his gloved hand, a wave of unwelcome memories washing over him. As a little boy he had been fascinated with the chain that hung in the cockpit of the Falcon, repeatedly asking his father to tell him the story of how he had won the Millennium Falcon from Lando Calrissian with that pair of gold dice in a game of Corellian Spike. Han would tell and retell that story to young Ben, Chewie interrupting to correct Han when he’d embellish certain points. Han would fiercely deny Chewie’s “false interpretations,” winking at Ben as Chewie became more and more flustered.

Once again Ben was reminded of his father, the man he’d murdered to prove himself to his master, only to fail in that too, like so many other things in his life.

But he didn’t have time to give his father much thought; the force bond had tugged on his mind and he looked up, seeing Rey standing before him. Hope had flooded his heart for a split second, before he realized she wasn’t actually there. She hadn’t come back to him. She wasn’t coming back to him.

 _Why?_ was all he could think in that moment; he didn’t understand the force bond well enough to know if she could _read_ his thoughts, but with the First Order officers lingering around him and the exhaustion of facing Luke he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

The look she gave him was so damning. He felt it to his core. Then she was gone.

He had commanded the First Order officers back onto the command shuttle, his voice low and gritty as he growled the orders. He could feel Hux’s lingering stare penetrating his back as he heard the other officers shuffling away behind him. He could feel Hux’s disapproval, could clearly envision the general’s upper lip curled in disgust, his icy blue eyes filled with malice. _This is your new enemy,_ something within him warned. _No, SHE’S my true enemy now_ he answered adamantly. His body began to tremble as fury once again took over his mind, heart, and body.

He turned abruptly, glaring at Hux. “GET OUT, I SAID!” he roared, his voice echoing off the walls of the bunker. Hux turned on his heel, his hands clasped behind his back, and retreated like he was merely on a stroll. He refused to cower in response to Kylo Ren’s temper.

Finally alone, Ben let the rage explode. Igniting his lightsaber he slashed at the old communication screens, the supplies the Resistance hadn’t been able to take with them, the remaining ships and weapons. He lashed out, swinging the lightsaber violently, sparks hitting his face, debris flying through the air.

He stopped only when his muscles rebelled out of fatigue. He sank down to the ground, crystallized salt coating his black attire, but he didn’t care. In that moment, everything other than the pain he felt about Rey seemed trivial. He stared intently at the red soil underneath the salt, his eyes scanning the ground, able to see the pattern of his movements. He clawed at the salt with his gloved hand.

 _Salt. Fitting,_ he thought bitterly. Salt for his wounds. Let it sear his flesh; his soul.

 _She left me. SHE LEFT ME._ He felt like he was back in Snoke’s throne room again. They had fought Snoke’s Praetorian Guards together, so perfectly in sync. Backs turned to each other at first, their footwork, their lightsaber movements, it all felt like a dance. At one point he remembered stepping back and felt her lean against him and before he knew it, her hand was on his upper thigh and she was using his back to brace her body as she kicked a guard back. They worked together as one unit, unified and bonded. Their connection swelled, euphoria coursing through him as they vanquished the Praetorian Guards. His body tingled after as he turned to look at her. 

But in the aftermath of their victory over Snoke, over the guards, she had only cared about the Resistance and _that traitor_ , no doubt. No hug, no cry of relief, no mention of how Ben had killed his master to save her. No, she had run to holoscreen, already going through plans on how to save the Resistance.

He drowned in the bitterness of the memory for days afterwards. It continued to torment his mind as he sat among the wreckage of his room on the Finalizer.

_She said she’d help me. And then she just left._

A single tear rolled down Ben’s cheek, the fiery anger in his eyes burning out, replaced with despair.

_She gave up on me, just like everyone else I ever trusted._

_She said she would help me. And I believed her, like a fool. I offered her my hand-MY HEART, and she rejected me._

He hated the way he had opened himself up to her; she had made him feel safe, _really safe_ , for the first time in his life. And then she had rejected him.

_I’m a monster, of course she gave up on me. We bonded for a single second. That was it. It was insignificant._

But his body still yearned for her touch, forsaking him and the resentment he harbored against her. She had looked so vulnerable when she reached out to him, the flames from the fire she had lit making shadows dance across her face. He found her eyes intoxicating; large and darker in that moment than their normal hazel, filled with several emotions-wonder, curiosity, resolve, apprehension, innocence, empathy. A tear had slowly slid down her cheek; she gasped. Peace enveloped him as their fingertips touched. He never wanted it to end. He wanted to feel her again. He wanted to touch more than just her fingers. He wanted to feel how soft her skin was. He wanted his senses to sing her praises again.

 _No_. He needed to pluck those thoughts from his mind and destroy them. He couldn’t think about her that way anymore. She was his enemy.

 _Is she?_ Something within him challenged.

He vision blurred before his body slumped over, giving way to exhaustion once again.

* * *

_A furry animal limped through the snow, its breathing ragged, its heartbeat erratic. Its gray fur was matted with blood on one side. One of its hind legs shook, visibly fractured. The animal’s black eyes searched for shelter, for warmth, for comfort. Weaving between the trees it finally found a tree that had fallen over, sliced from a battle between lightsabers._

_The animal dug with one of its front legs around the ground where it met the tree, pushing snow back frantically so it could wedge and burrow itself close half way under the tree. Curling up with its wounded leg sticking straight out, the animal whimpered, licking its wounds. Its body was losing heat, its life slowly fading._

_At some point, hours later it seemed, someone in a hooded cloak approached. The animal lifted its head, eyeing the human with caution._

_The hood was drawn back, revealing a woman with three buns. The way she looked at the animal was indecipherable. The animal let out a faint whimper but the woman just stood there staring. The animal sniffed, trying to gather a better judgment of the visitor._

_Her cheeks were rosy, her lips red with vitality, her skin luminescent in the moonlight. The animal shook with cold. Death was near. Would the woman save him? Nurse him back to life?_

_Finally the woman walked closer, within arm’s length of the animal. Crouching, the snow crunching underneath her shoes from her movement, she reached out towards the animal. But the animal, wild and a loner in its ways, reacted with a startled shake. It was the only response it knew after years of being on its own, no pack to follow and no friendly human contact. The animal regretted its first reaction; ‘try again’ it would say if it could talk, desperate for help, for comfort._

_The woman sneered, not bothering to try to reach out again. A single attempt to domesticate the animal and then she assumed she knew everything she needed to know about the dying creature. It couldn’t be saved. It’s too wild, too dangerous. If the first attempt didn’t work to tame the animal, nothing would. She looked at the animal with contempt._

_Rising, she retrieved her lightsaber from her belt, igniting it. A blue light reflected off the animal’s black eyes. The animal whimpered again, its eyes pleading with the woman._

_She stood over it, trembling. Finally she turned off the lightsaber and replaced it in the loop of her belt. She kicked the animal and it let out a startled yelp._

_Then she turned to leave. She didn’t help. She didn’t even put it out of its misery. She only made its wound worse and left it in even more pain._

_The animal buried its head under its front leg, whimpering, tears in its eyes._

Ben woke with a start, shaking and gasping for air. Tears stung his eyes. He swallowed, his chest rising and falling with quick movements.

He was the animal. Wild, untamed, wounded. Alone.

Snot dripped out of his nostrils, his upper lip covered in sweat. He felt paralyzed.

_Rey._

_Why did you make me believe you cared?_

_Why did you fill me with hope?_

* * *

An hour later Ben stood in his refresher, scalding hot water hitting his skin like miniature bullets. He had turned the water pressure all the way up, the heat just beyond what felt comfortable. The pain would refocus him. He’d rather be angry than depressed. He’d rather feel pain than longing.

The agony he had struggled with for days finally seemed to be fading. Instead he felt a void. Silence inside his mind. And for the first time since the scene in the throne room he realized what it was like to be free of Snoke haunting his mind. The whispers and luring evil that had pervaded his mind since…since his earliest memories, those were gone now. Ben didn’t know what to make of the silence. It felt disturbingly eerie. The force had seemed to abandon him too, refusing to connect with Rey, adding to the void. He couldn’t feel his mother’s or uncle’s force signatures, except for a dull pulse within the force.

He couldn’t worry about that now. He needed to get his shit together. He needed to make sure Hux stayed in line, he needed to figure out just what he wanted to do with the First Order, and he needed to get to Rey. She’d made an ass of him twice. He wouldn’t let it happen again. That determination reinvigorated him.

Leaving the refresher, he stood with only a towel around his waist, observing himself in the mirror. His flesh was red from the heat of the water, his body covered in scars, some from Snoke, some from battles, some self inflicted. He looked like hell, dark circles under his eyes, his pallor grayish from the week’s lack of nutrient. He hadn’t seen this much facial hair, thick black stubble, ever in his life. He turned his head from side to side, it amused him. But it reminded him too much of his father who often had stubble, a rugged and rough look about him. No, this look wasn’t for him. He grabbed his razor, splashed water on his face, and began to shave haphazardly, not even caring about using soap or a cream to help soothe his skin. He nicked himself, but didn’t care. Pain was a blessing. It brought him back to reality. It reminded him of who he really was.

Pain was a necessity.

* * *

“Have you finally pulled yourself together?” Hux questioned quietly, his voice filled with disdain as he addressed Kylo Ren who had finally emerged from his rooms to stand next to the general.

“Yes,” Kylo answered, just as quietly, his face stern. Neither of the men looked at each other as they stood together on the ship’s deck.

“What is our plan?” Hux refused to use the term “Supreme Leader” for Kylo.

Kylo remained silent, not trying to intentionally ignore Hux, believe it or not, but instead trying to concentrate.  

“Can’t you track them down with the force or something?” Hux’s tone tinged with impatience.

Ben’s eye twitched. If only the force would bend to his will. But no, it still remained closed to him, as if protecting Rey and the others.

“Well?” Hux demanded, his patience sorely tested by now.

“We’re going to Mustafar.”

Hux sighed. “And why are we going there?”

“I want to assemble my knights.”

* * *

Ben watched Mustafar come into view as the Finalizer approached, flashes of red and orange illuminating the surface of the planet. He didn’t trust Hux enough to leave him on the Finalizer, so he ordered both the general and a small contingent of Storm Troopers to travel with him to Mustafar in his command shuttle. He needed this trip to help him regain his identity and strengthen his sense of purpose.

And then he felt it, like a magnetic shockwave rippling through his mind. After days of having little to no reciprocity with the force, this felt loud as it shattered the silent void.

There was a disturbance in the force.

* * *

 

**References:**

Meta on Domesticating a Wounded Animal & the Parallel to Rey and Ben's Relationship;  _Failure is the Greatest Master: Why it is Rey who Failed Kylo More than the Contrary_ by Reylo1992: <https://reylo1992.tumblr.com/post/168679312243/failure-is-the-greatest-master-why-it-is-rey-who>

The Golden Dice Chain explanation via Pablo Hidalgo: <http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2017/12/14/star_wars_the_last_jedi_s_space_dice_explained.html>


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N-THANK YOU everyone for the overwhelming response to this story. You guys are amazing and have blown my mind! I love hearing from you so thanks for the reviews, the kudos, subscriptions, and bookmarks! Wow, just wow. <3  
> Also, disclaimer-I do not own Star Wars, nor am I affiliated with Disney or LF. I am merely a speck of dust in the galaxy that throws my money at Disney (I’ve seen the movie 5 times now lol) and could stare at Ben Solo’s eyes all day long. That is all. **
> 
> **Recap:**   
>  _“Rey, you should come.” Poe’s voice sounded urgent, but what frightened Rey even more was the look in his eyes. “It’s Leia. She’s sick. She’s requested you to come.”  
>  _______  
> “We’re going to Mustafar.”  
> Hux sighed. “And why are we going there?”  
> “I want to assemble my knights.”  
> Ben needed this trip to help him regain his identity and strengthen his sense of purpose.  
> And then he felt it, like a magnetic shockwave rippling through his mind. After days of having little to no reciprocity with the force, this felt loud as it shattered the silent void.  
> There was a disturbance in the force. _

 

“Leia?” Rey’s voice drifted through the air, barely more than a whisper. She stood at the door, her eyes transfixed on Leia’s face. The general had a blanket pulled up to her neck, her eyes half closed, and her skin dark purple crescents under each eye. Rey could feel Leia’s force signature, but only just barely; it was weak and wavering. A single candle lit the room, adding to the somber ambiance within the catacomb walls on Akiva.

“Rey.” Rey heard Leia’s raspy voice beckon her to come forward. Rey knelt by the bed timidly, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes.

Leia opened her eyes slowly, studying Rey’s face as Rey slipped a hand underneath the blanket and over the older woman’s, shocked by how cold Leia’s was; trembling, Rey tried to transfer her own warmth to the general. Despite having little physical contact with others growing up, reaching out for Leia’s hand felt instinctual and natural to Rey; similar to when she had reached out to Ben.

_“You’re not alone.”  
_ _“And neither are you.”_

“Rey,” Leia began again, although it was clear that speaking was difficult for her, “I’ve lost almost all my hope for Ben.”

Rey remained silent, unsure if Leia expected a response from her.

“I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know what to believe anymore.” The sadness in Leia’s eyes struck a chord within Rey’s heart, bringing up a series of emotions Rey desperately wanted to squash and never acknowledge. _They’re so similar to Ben’s eyes,_ Rey thought, the last look Ben had given her through their force bond on Crait imprinted in her memory.

“I _had_ given up, but the last thing Luke said to me was ‘no one is ever really gone.’” Leia struggled to swallow, the muscles in her throat working strenuously, visibly contracting.  “But every time I feel hope, it’s crushed.” She closed her eyes, wincing as if in extreme pain. “I’m so _mad_. I’m mad at him. I’m mad at myself. I’m mad at Snoke.”

“But Snoke is dead now,” Rey offered, her eyes sympathetic. Before Rey knew it, Leia was fidgeting in her bed like she wanted to get up but didn’t have the strength to.

“That’s right. Snoke _is_ dead. He killed Snoke,” Leia repeated what Rey had told her days ago, her voice filled with wonder. “That means he no longer has Snoke inside his head.” Leia’s dark eyes bore into Rey’s, making the young Jedi feel uncomfortable. 

“Rey…”

Rey turned her head slightly, looking at Leia warily, feeling apprehensive about where this conversation was heading.

“ _Can_ Ben be redeemed?”

Rey blinked and looked down at the white twill blanket. _Please don’t make me answer this._

“I…I don’t know.” Rey shook her head.

“You saw him.” Leia referenced Rey’s interactions with Ben on the Supremacy.

“Yes,” Rey whispered.

“What do you _feel?_ ”

Rey felt like her throat was swelling shut. She closed her eyes, trying to breathe, feeling like she might faint. _Is there hope?_

_“Breathe.”  
_ _“Now reach out.”  
_ _“What do you see?”_

Rey heard Luke’s voice in her head as clear as if he were kneeling right next to her. Trying to steady herself within the force she followed heed, reaching out past her own feelings, doubts, and insecurities. She tapped into the pulse of the force; it reverberated through her mind and heart, quelling her anxiety. The synergy of the force wrapped around her, providing peace and balance to her emotions.

 _Ben._ The force swelled, bathing Rey in warmth and golden light. It wasn’t the same as their intimate connection, but Rey could see Ben clearly in her mind’s eye.

* * *

Ben tried to ignore the disturbance in the force as he boarded his command shuttle, ignoring the rest of the crew, stormtroopers, and Hux who stood waiting for him.

His visit to Mustafar would give him clarity; he felt sure of it. With his right hand balled into a fist he continued to watch the descent towards his grandfather’s castle. He hadn’t visited this place since before he met Rey. It felt like years ago, when it had only been weeks.

 _Stop thinking about her._ He grit his teeth. Pain. He needed pain.

But instead he felt a calm roll through him, relaxing his senses. Not what he was going for, but if it took his mind off the girl then he deemed it good. The ship landed with a thud and Ben shouldered his way past the officers and stormtroopers to exit first, his cape flowing behind him majestically as he took long strides towards his grandfather’s castle.

* * *

Tendrils of light caressed Rey’s mind. It felt intoxicating. Each ethereal wisp soothed her fears and doubts. Rey felt like she was on a whole other plane of existence; no longer in the catacombs of Akiva with the Resistance or Leia. A spectrum of light danced around her, a kaleidoscope of colors, a variety of shades surrounding her. The vision was brilliant. Rey wanted to reach out and experience every color with all five of her senses.

She could envision Ben through it all. She was merely observing him, seemingly unbeknownst to him. She watched him eagerly; mesmerized by his features as she had the chance to fully take in the sight of him without being noticed. She knew she was gawking, but she couldn’t help it. He looked glorious as the light and colors surrounded him too.

She wanted to reach out and stroke the strands of his wavy black hair. She’d been yearning to touch his hair for longer than she cared to admit to herself. The aching desire to touch him built within her chest. _I need to touch him. I need to feel him._

Tall, powerful, muscular, broad, stately; like a knight, a prince, a demigod she had heard about in fables growing up on Jakku. When the women used to gather at the water hole at Niima Outpost, washing clothing and gathering the next few days’ supply of water, they’d tell each other stories to keep themselves entertained on the desolate planet. Rey would pretend not to listen, always keeping up a steely façade so people would leave her alone, but secretly she’d listen closely to the stories of powerful warriors who’d fight with staffs, their muscles taut, sometimes wearing only their pants as they fought their enemies, their chests glistening with sweat as they demonstrated their strength and potency. They’d rescue damsels in distress, pretty women with long hair in flowy gowns, fighting off the men who preyed on these women. Rey always wondered why the fictional women never learned how to fight for themselves, and though she liked to imagine the dresses and hair described in the stories, Rey thought such things must be terribly impractical in daily life.

The women at Niima Outpost would coyly lower their voices whenever their stories led to coitus, and the stories _always_ led to this. When Rey was younger she didn’t care enough to try to understand or listen closer, but as she aged she found herself straining her ears to hear the more mature parts of the myths. Rey always felt the heat rising in her cheeks and an uncomfortable sensation building within her, her breath quickening, as the women entertained each other with the fantasies of men wrapping their large hands around the waists and hips of the women who rocked back and forth on the warriors’ laps; tongues exploring the most intimate parts of damsels’ bodies; burying themselves within the hot flesh of women.

Even in her meditation, Rey could remember how she felt the first time she heard such a story around the age of 14, the way her heart beat erratically, legs weak, and the slightly wet and sticky substance between her legs as she walked stiffly back to her speeder.

She had wondered what she would do if she were to ever meet a man like those in the stories. Would she ever be touched in the same way? Kissed so hard she lost her breath? Would a man ever tell her she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, with tears in his eyes and sincerity in his voice? Rey never held out much hope, but continued to wonder what it would be like to experience such things.

These mythical men in the Jakku fables, whoever they were, were definitely different than the legendary stories of the Jedi, which Rey also heard growing up. Rey knew the Jedi would never run around half naked, seducing women after their victories. The warriors the women of Jakku talked about were carnal and feral. 

_Like Ben._

She stiffened as the image of Ben’s bare chest-scarred, firm, and creamy in complexion-flashed across her mind. The familiar throbbing ache like she needed to pee tugged at her mind, pulling her out of her meditation.

She tried to calm and control herself once more, latching onto the thread of balance she’d previously found. Her mind’s eye once again focused on the sensations of the force, and Ben, properly clothed, looking forlorn and biting the inside of his lower lip. The raw vulnerability Rey saw in that moment caught her off guard.

But then he turned and locked eyes with her.

* * *

“You will wait in the West Wing until you receive orders to leave,” Ben pointed, directing the 3 First Order officers, Hux, and 6 stormtroopers. “Make yourselves at home,” Ben said sardonically, smirking at Hux. “You there, come,” he ordered a stormtrooper to follow him. “Stand here and guard the West Wing. No one is allowed to leave unless I give the orders, do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You answer to me first now. Not General Hux. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Com me if there’s any trouble,” Ben turned on his heel, his cape sweeping across the stormtrooper’s leg.

There was a growing pulse of light that accompanied the calm that had descended upon him as he arrived on Mustafar. He tried to ignore it at first, but the light entangled itself around him, growing brighter and brighter as it engulfed him. The girl was somehow behind this. Rey was one with the force and torturing him with the light. He needed to resist. He wanted to immerse himself in anger and bitterness, power and revenge.

 _“Ben…Ben…Ben…Ben.”_ Her voice echoed around him as he descended the smooth black slate stairs heading towards the East Wing. _“Don’t go this way, this way, this way, this way.”_

Ben thought he wanted the force connection to open up to between them, but whatever this was proved infuriating. He could hear her rich, sweet voice, but couldn’t respond. Or could he? He turned his head sharply and for a few seconds did, indeed, see her. She was staring at him, her hazel eyes tranquil and luminous, a romantic glow surrounding her. At first she seemed to be looking through him, but then recognition hit and her eyes widened, startled. The force connection ended and she disappeared within seconds.

* * *

“Rey,” a voice pulled her out of her meditation. It took a few seconds to get her bearings again; she felt dizzy, still on her knees, holding Leia’s hand.

“I…I’m sorry,” Rey stammered, embarrassed.

“Never be sorry about meditating with the force,” Leia answered reassuringly. She squeezed Rey’s hand lightly, her brown eyes gentle.

Tears flooded Rey’s eyes. She opened her mouth but nothing came out.

“What do you _feel_? _Is_ there any hope for my son?” Leia asked again.

“You’re his mother, surely you must know,” the words came tumbling out, harsher than Rey intended. Her free hand flew to cover her mouth in shock and shame. She could no longer hold her tears back and she blinked as they rolled down her cheeks. “I’m sorry,” Rey sobbed.

“Rey,” Leia said patiently, not perturbed by Rey’s words, “I don’t hold the same place in his heart as I once did. And I suspect you do have a place in his heart, and he in yours. I want to know what you feel.”

Rey shifted her balance on her knees, her feet growing numb from the position.

“Come, sit up here,” Leia patted the bed. Rey moved to the bed appreciatively and inhaled deeply, still trying to collect her thoughts. “I saw his future. Nothing specific, but it was solid and clear and it gave me hope.”

“Gave,” Leia repeated, the crease in her forehead deepening as she frowned. “But now you’re not sure?”

“I feel overwhelmed,” Rey admitted, shaking her head in defeat. “Confused. I think I know him one minute and the next I don’t understand him at all.”

Leia nodded as much as her head would allow against the pillow on which she lay. “I sense much conflict in you.”

Rey bowed her head, feeling upset with herself for disappointing Leia. _“Then he’s our last hope.”_ Rey’s own voice echoed through the chambers of her mind as she remembered the rain pelting down on her and Luke on Ahch-To. That resolute determination evaded her now. Rey wanted to see the situation in black and white, but Ben took that notion and shattered it. He was somehow both black _and_ white, a villain and a hero. He had saved her from Snoke, but killed his father and wanted to let everyone else she cared about-Luke, Leia, the Resistance-perish. He had told her she meant something to him, had reached out and-

“When did you see his future?” Leia interrupted Rey’s thoughts.

 _Kriff_ , Rey cursed, _I can’t, I shouldn’t, lie to her._ But Rey couldn’t bear to tell anyone about their force connection. What would people think about her if they found out she shared such an intimate connection with Kylo Ren? She would have to tell a half truth and hope it didn’t tarnish her soul.

“When I went to face him, we talked. And…I got a glimpse of it then.”

Leia studied Rey’s face carefully; Rey was sure her cheeks were reddening, but she tried to keep an impartial expression.

“Willingly?” Leia asked.

“What do you mean?” Rey furrowed her eyebrows.

“He willingly let you into his mind?”

“Yes…well no. I’ve seen into his mind a couple of times. One time I didn’t know I was doing it and the second time his guard was down.” _There, that’s better than a flat out lie,_ Rey reassured herself. But Leia’s questions kept coming.

“What did you see the first time?”

Rey’s heart sank, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. This was not a conversation she wanted to be having. She had been privy to Ben’s secrets and now she was spilling them to his mother. He would be furious.

“He’s afraid and insecure.”

“Hmm…Are you afraid of him?”

“No…I’m not,” her answer would seem shocking to anyone, but it was true. She wasn’t afraid of him on Starkiller Base, she wasn’t afraid of him while on Ahch-To, and she wasn’t afraid of him when she joined him on the Supremacy.

“What do you feel towards him?”

“Pity. Sadness. Empathy.”

“Empathy?”

“He’s lonely. I can feel it. I’ve felt it since I first met him. And I understand it. I don’t understand his decisions but I do understand his loneliness.”

Leia sighed. “I let him down. I paid more attention to the galaxy than I did him. I cared more about politics than about nurturing a family.”

“Don’t say that,” tears returned to Rey’s eyes as she looked at the older woman pleadingly.

“No, it’s true. I need to recognize my errors and faults. And Snoke was in his head from a very early age. He tried to tell me but I didn’t understand. I didn’t listen carefully enough. I thought sending him to Luke would be enough. I wish I could take it all back and start over. But he has you, Rey. He must feel connected to you if he let his guard down enough to see his future, to save you from the man who abducted his mind and has controlled him all these years.”

Rey was speechless and a silence fell between the women for a couple of minutes.

“Rey, I fear that I may not live much longer. I feel so weak, so tired. Will you try to reach out to him? He won’t have anyone else left. I don’t want him to be alone.”

Rey felt enormous pressure weighing down on her at Leia’s request. In fact, she found it repelling. _I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this. I merely got swept up in this adventure._ She had already been so sure she could turn him and help save him when she left Ahch-To. She had been cruelly disappointed.

“I…” Rey shook her head, at a loss for what to say.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You will know when the time is right. The force will guide you.”

* * *

Ben marched into the great hall where he knew he’d find his knights. They had been sequestered at Mustafar for weeks now, no doubt eager for orders to leave. Snoke had always been somewhat wary of the six formerly trained Jedi that followed Ben around. Snoke knew they answered to Ben and that since he didn’t control any of their minds like he did Ben’s that their allegiance to the First Order would only come through Ben. So Snoke had kept them at arm’s length, encouraging Ben to utilize them in ways that would distract them and keep them from accompanying Ben everywhere he went.

Ben stopped short in the corridor as this realization hit him. Without Snoke in his head he could finally logically think about Snoke’s desire to keep the knights separated from their supposed “master” as often as possible. The revelation sickened Ben. Everyone he trusted either betrayed him or was kept from protecting him. Ben clenched his jaw and fisted his right hand. He had been such a weak puppet to Snoke’s machinations. But now he was in charge; of his own life, of the First Order, of the galaxy. And he would not appear weak any longer. He resumed his march, throwing open the doors to the great hall.

The knights rose, the abrupt sound of scraping chairs and leather stretching loud in an otherwise silent room. Five men and one female stood at attention, all their helmets removed and placed on the table, easily accessible should they be needed.

“Master,” Gaius Ren’s deep tenor voice cut through the room.

“Snoke is dead and you will all stay with me now,” Ben announced, his eyes deliberately meeting each of the six knights’ eyes for a few seconds each.

* * *

Rey emerged from Leia’s room visibly shaken. She made her way through the hallway in a daze, nearly running into R2-D2 who beeped at her in confusion. She didn’t answer, merely looking at the droid like she had never seen it in her life.

Finn spotted her when she appeared in the mess hall. He rushed to his friend’s side, speaking quickly. “Rey, how is the general? What did she want to tell you?”

Rey couldn’t bring herself to talk about Ben again, at least not at that moment. Her head was spinning and aching after her conversation with Leia.

“I...” she shook her head and blinked.

“Here, let me get you some soup,” Finn led her to the table he’d been sitting at and returned a couple of minutes later with a bowl of vegetable soup.

“Please, can we talk about something other than Leia or Kylo Ren?” Rey asked as she stirred her soup slowly.

Finn frowned but agreed. They spent a few minutes talking about his scavenge for food supplies on Akiva earlier that day while Rey took small bites of her soup, not having much of an appetite.

“Tell me more about Rose.” Finn had only mentioned the most basic details about their mission in Canto Bight and on the Supremacy, before they both had been summoned away to a meeting a few days prior. Rey noticed how Finn’s eyes softened at the mention of Rose.

“She’s funny and strong willed and so compassionate.” He got a faint smile on his face as he delved into more of the story behind their mission; the freeing of the fathiers, meeting the children in the stable, her love for the Resistance and her sister, the way she’d been willing to sacrifice her necklace for the good of the mission, and how she saved him on Crait.

“How did you two meet?” Rey asked, thoroughly distracted now.

Finn’s quick hesitation piqued Rey’s interest and was something she wasn’t going to let slide.

“Oh, I was just observing the Raddus, umm, just checking it out. And she was crying because of her sister, but she saw me and…and…she knew who I was. She called me ‘The Finn.’” He sat up straighter, a smug look on his face.

Rey rolled her eyes. “How did you really meet?”

“That IS how we met!”

Rey gave him a skeptical stare until he gave in.

“Fine. I was trying to board an escape pod so I could come and find you and she caught me. But she did call me ‘The Finn.’”

Rey shook her head, trying not to smile as she stared down at her half eaten soup. “Sounds like fate.”

“Maybe. Rey,” Finn leaned his body across the table, craning his neck to lean his head closer to hers. She followed suit. “She kissed me. After she saved me on Crait, right before she went unconscious, she _kissed_ me.” Finn’s eyes were large with wonder.

Rey pulled back, her mind reeling. “She kissed you,” she repeated breathlessly.

“Yeah,” Finn nodded enthusiastically. Rey felt happy for her friend, but there was something else tugging at her emotions. Red lips flashed across her mind. Ben’s lips. Rey’s stomach felt like it somersaulted.

“And the last thing she said to me was ‘this is how we’re going to win the war. Not by killing those we hate, but by saving those we love.’”

Another somersault.

Rey felt a pull on the connection with Ben, but she didn’t see him. She peered around the room, trying to make it seem natural so Finn wouldn’t notice anything unusual; but still nothing. Rey shrugged it off, trying to make herself believe she didn’t care if she saw Ben or not. She didn’t care if she ever saw him again.

_Liar._

“I just can’t believe how different life is after just a couple of weeks.”

Rey realized that Finn had still been talking this whole time. “Right, yeah, everything’s so different now.”

Finn grinned. “But hey, we’re reunited and that’s all that matters.”

Rey nodded. “Right.”

_Liar._

* * *

Ben ran his gloved fingers over the stone window sill, lost in thought as he gazed at the volcanic rock and thin streams of red-orange lava that slid over, down, and through the rocky exterior of Mustafar. Why was the force playing games with him? Closing the connection for days on end, only allowing brief visual connections without time to speak, filling his mind with near blinding sensory experiences? It was enough to slowly drive him insane. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He’d ordered his knights to finish cataloguing the ancient relics of the Jedi and Sith and secure them in the castle’s armory. They’d be leaving by the end of the day. But for now Ben wanted to be alone. To reflect and plan his agenda, one that didn’t include Snoke. 

“Hey kid.”

Ben looked up sharply, his eyes taking in a glowing figure in long Jedi robes, with wavy dark blonde hair and a young face.

* * *

 A/N- _Who could it be???? :D_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N-Hello! Sorry for the wait. I’m back to work after the winter break and just have lots of prepping to do (I’m a teacher). So I’ll try to update as quickly as I can but I’m balancing work, family life, and another story (Harry Potter fandom). I thank you for your patience as I continue to work on this story.   
> As for the pace of this story, I know the chapters are a bit short (each falling within 4,000-6,000 words) and it’s progressing a bit slowly, BUT I felt that the end of TLJ was too rushed, so in my defense that’s the main reason I’m slowing my story down.  
> Also, I used part of Adam Driver’s interview from Larry King as a quote directed towards Ben! And I included the characters two of Mark Hamill’s kids played in TLJ: Saile (played by Nathan Hamill) & Koo (played by Chelsea Hamill). 
> 
> Recap:  
> “Hey kid.”  
> Ben looked up sharply, his eyes taking in a glowing figure in long Jedi robes, with wavy dark blonde hair and a young face.

Ben couldn’t believe his eyes, as he stared without blinking at the force apparition. He immediately knew who this was, even if he had never seen him before. He had spent _years_ thinking about this man, dwelling on his legacy, feeling confused and wanting answers from him, to have his guidance. And nothing all those years; no response, no guidance. But here he was, standing before him now, smirking like he could tell every little thing that irritated Ben. Ben was surprised that Anakin looked so young. His grandfather looked the same age as him.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Oh I’ll call you that as long as you continue acting like a kid.”

Ben shot Anakin a dirty look.

“The tantrums? The outbursts? Really? Even that pasty sidekick general of yours keeps his cool when he’s upset.”

Ben bristled at every single one of his grandfather’s comments. “He’s not my sidekick,” Ben muttered.

“Yeah, you’re right. He’s not. Glad you recognize that at least.”

Another dirty look was thrown at his grandfather. He couldn’t believe that this was how their first interaction was going; he found himself actually despising his grandfather at this moment.

“What? Did Luke send you?”

“Well, no, he didn’t send me. But he did tell me to use the ‘Hey kid’ reference. Said you’d love it.” Anakin smirked.

“What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here? I think that’s a better question for you. This is my castle, after all.” Anakin looked around smugly as he gestured with his arms.

Ben remained silent, turning to look back out the window at the volcanic activity in the distance. The ground seemed to groan and ache with the weight of the planet surging beneath it, cracks in the rocky surface widening and bulging as Mustafar hiccupped, sending a fountain of lava into the air.

“What are you doing?”

Ben shot Anakin a wary look, his eyes providing the evidence to what he was thinking: _I don’t know._

“Yeah, because you didn’t think before you acted,” Anakin reprimanded, reading Ben’s thoughts. “Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?”

Ben gaped at his grandfather, the man he had grown to idolize who was now cutting him down with every single remark.

“All of this, ‘let the past die’ and the way you spoke to the remnants of my helmet for years? You realize that your actions and words seem to contradict each other, right? Why don’t you stop making an ass of yourself and start doing what you say you’re going to do.”

“And what is that?” Ben snapped.

“You’re going to finish what I started.”

* * *

Rey finally found the solitude she so desperately craved. She assumed that being so isolated on Jakku would have driven her to insanity, but the last week of being cooped up with the other Resistance members on the Falcon and Akiva seemed to be pushing her even closer to a mental and emotional breakdown.

She now hid inside a small, dark utility closet with her knees pulled up to her chest. She’d scream if she didn’t get some time to decompress before the next person asked to her come to a meeting or asked her how she was doing or what had happened on Ahch-To and the Supremacy.

She thought about her life on Jakku, the little home she’d made inside the AT-AT. The doll she had left behind. The Rebel helmet. Her Spinebarrel flower. The Y-wing starfighter that had basically been the bulk of her education as a teenager, helping her learn alien languages, basic mechanics, and piloting skills. When she had first been left with Unkar Plutt he had given her housing and some very basic education, but once she was a preteen she had ventured out on her own, finding the AT-AT and making it her home, while continuing to work for Plutt.

While she didn’t miss Unkar Plutt or the harsh realities of life on Jakku, she did miss the simplicity of her daily routine. Waking, scavenging, trading at Niima Outpost, practicing with her flight simulator. Repeat. Her fears and obstacles were no less real than what she faced now, but in the grand scheme of things her old life seemed far less burdening than the galactic war she now found herself part of.

But she couldn’t hide in this closet forever. Slowly standing up she stiffly made her way back to her room, expecting to run into someone. But the corridor was empty and silent. Within a couple of minutes she was sitting on the edge of her bed, tapping her toes and wondering what to do. _Great, now I’m bored. This isn’t what I wanted either._ Her eyes wandered around her room, drifting over her satchel. She saw one of the pieces of broken lightsaber sticking out and she immediately sprang up and towards her bag.

* * *

“You mean what Vader started. I already succeeded. I have full power and control over the galaxy now.”

Anakin frowned, studying his grandson’s face. “Is that really what you want?”

“Yes,” Ben seethed, glaring at the force ghost.

“I ruined my life by trying to obtain that. I hope you understand that,” the sadness in Anakin’s voice made Ben uncomfortable. “I lost my wife. I never got to have a relationship with my children, other than the brief moment with your uncle before I died. Your mother grew up fearing and hating Vader. I saw it in her eyes every single time we were together. I killed Obi Wan, my mentor and friend. But I guess you have recent experience with that last one, although Snoke was no friend to you.”

Ben couldn’t stop his fist from shaking as the rage built up within him.

“So much anger,” Anakin’s voice washed over him.

“Of course I’m angry!” Ben finally erupted. “Where were you when my uncle tried to kill me?! Where were you when I begged my mother to make the voice inside my head go away; Snoke’s voice! I was just a little kid and no one would help me! Where were you when I sat alone at home for hours on end because my parents couldn’t seem to pry themselves away from what they loved more: work!”

Anakin listened patiently as Ben began to pace, his hair falling around the sides of his face as he recounted the memories that hurt him most. Finally he turned to his grandfather, exhausted from his outburst. His eyes were no longer angry. They were weary and sad now.

Anakin merely nodded. “They messed up, Ben. You’re absolutely right about that. They failed you.”

Ben looked down and away, huffing loudly, only to snap his head back up at his grandfather’s next words.

“But you should let the past die.”

“Don’t you dare turn that around on me!”

“No, I’m trying to show you the irony of what you’re saying. You clearly haven’t let the past die. I know you’re exhausted by all the years of feeling so angry. And lonely. You have the chance now to take control of your life and find some peace. And companionship. You can have what I threw away in my quest for power and control.”

Ben shot a startled glance at Anakin, who gave him a knowing smile.

“Yes, I know about Rey. And your botched proposal to her.”

Ben clenched his jaw. “It wasn’t a proposal.”

“It was a proposal to rule the galaxy together, even if it wasn’t a marriage proposal.” Anakin grinned at his grandson, eliciting yet another angry glare from Ben. “You know, your grandmother told me the same thing. Said almost the _exact same words_ to me, here, on this planet, actually.”

Ben looked around like he expected his grandmother Padmé to appear as well. He had rarely thought of her growing up.

“’ _Don’t go this way, Anakin. Please don’t do this_.’ Sound familiar? I _should_ have listened to her. You have that chance with Rey. Don’t waste it.”

“Rey doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that. What’s going on between you is powerful. Both of you can try to deny or ignore it, but the force has opened it up and sanctioned it. I think you both have much to learn from this connection. From what the force is trying to teach the two of you. From what the force is trying to accomplish.”

Ben kept his eyes cast downwards, biting the inside of his lower lip as was his habit when he felt anxious. When he didn’t respond, Anakin continued.

“Love can lead to redemption. Familial love. Romantic love.”

“I thought _love_ was a weakness. Isn’t that what the Jedi always preach?” Ben spit out, sarcastically emphasizing ‘love.’ Truly, he didn’t care. He didn’t subscribe to the Jedi’s legalistic view of love and emotions. He just wanted to have the upper hand in this argument.

“Love is what saved me in the end. Your uncle’s love for me. But I could have had so much more. My need to control everything, to have power, to give into the anger I felt stripped everything that was good away from me. And in the end, I felt barely alive. I was practically a machine. Just ask yourself, is what you feel right now really what you would define as living? What you felt yesterday? What you’ll feel next week?”

“Why are you telling me all this? Why now?”

“Because you weren’t ready before, you wouldn’t have understood it until now. You still had Snoke in your head. You hadn’t found a connection with Rey yet. You hadn’t faced the possibility of losing the one person who truly seemed to understand you. But now you have. Now you know what you’re missing. What you could have. I’m still not entirely sure you’re ready to hear it, but, hey I figured I’d try.” Again, that smirk.

“Master Ren,” Tevvin Ren said hesitantly. Ben turned to look at his knight. “We’re all ready to board.”

Ben turned back to where his grandfather’s force ghost had been standing, only to find him gone. Ben nodded. “Good.” He followed Tevvin out of the castle and back onto his command shuttle, looking back briefly over his shoulder at the castle.

* * *

Rey grunted and slammed one piece of the broken lightsaber down on the table. She had been trying to rebuild the lightsaber for the last two hours. “This damn thing,” she muttered, shaking her head. She had disassembled it even more in order to try to reconstruct it, and although she had expert knowledge in a lot of mechanical parts from her years of scavenging, she was completely unfamiliar with some of these pieces. Now she had made a mess of everything as it lay scattered across the table in front of her. She rolled a bolt between her thumb and index finger, concentrating.

Rey’s body tingled, the hair on her arms rising the moment the force bond opened. She could feel Ben’s presence behind her, but she refused to acknowledge him, and for a minute or two he just stood behind her silently. The tension just about killed her, but she willed herself not to turn around.

“Is the kyber crystal still in tact?”

His voice softly met her ears; she had expected him to sound harsh and angry. Or bitter and gloomy. She would rather he was anything other than soft and gentle with her. It was harder to be mad at him that way.

“Go away.”

He appeared in her periphery, but she continued to stare down at the pieces of lightsaber. _Perfect timing as per usual, force bond,_ she whined. She was embarrassed he caught her at a moment like this, frustrated over the lightsaber, feeling vulnerable that she hadn’t fixed it yet and couldn’t seem to figure it out.

“If the crystal is still in tact the lightsaber is fixable.”

“Leave me alone,” she sniffed.

“You’ve been crying.”

 Rey slammed down the bolt she’d been holding for dramatic effect, an exasperated expression on her face as she glared at the pieces.

“Why have you been crying?” Ben’s voice was so tender, barely above a whisper now. _Resist it, Rey!_ She bid herself. Except that she had never been really good at resisting him or restraining her emotions around him.

“Why do you think I’ve been crying?! I can’t put this damn thing back together! Your mother is sick! I never get a moment’s peace! I trusted you, I thought we were connecting and understanding each other, but I guess none of that mattered! And I’m so kriffing confused about everything that it’s making me go crazy! Life back on Jakku would be preferable to this!”

Ben listened intently to her tearful outburst, his eyes twitching at a couple of her comments.

“My mother is still alive?”

Rey finally looked up at him, aghast. Out of all the things she had just yelled about _that_ was the one he was choosing to address? And his tone…it didn’t sound angry or bitter. It sounded…hopeful, like he was in wonder to find out she was still living.

“Yes, your First Order didn’t kill _everyone._ ” She let her own bitterness roll off her tongue.

“I thought she had died during the Raddus attack.” Ben began to pace, his face in deep concentrating. “I saw one of the TIE fighters directly hit the bridge of her ship and I knew she was there. I had felt her.”

“Sad you weren’t the one to kill her?” Rey interjected, her voice distorted in malice and sarcasm. She winced at the harshness of her own words. Everything just seemed to be spilling out of her mouth uncontrollably though. Ben just gave her a blank look, still lost in his own thoughts he was spared from picking up on what she had actually said.

“I haven’t been able to pick up on her force signature since then…I just assumed she had died.”

Rey bit her tongue, another insult and angry comment ready to be fired at him. But something about the tone of his voice, still small and quiet, and the look in his eyes- _is it relief,_ she wondered-stopped her from hurling any further remarks at him. She remained quiet. She didn’t want to give him too much information on his mother or the Resistance. She had already said too much as is.

His eyes snapped back to hers and she felt her heart drop into her stomach. He had that longing look again.

“You’re still mad at me.” It was a comment, not a question.

“Of course I am. I came to help you and it was all for nothing.”

“It wasn’t for nothing, but you left me. You made it look like you were going to take my hand and then you deceived me. Tried to steal _my_ grandfather’s lightsaber and then left while I was still knocked out. If anything I should be mad at you, not the other way around.”

“Well you clearly are mad at me. I had to go. My friends, they were going to die.”

“Do you care about them more than you care about me?”

Rey’s mouth fell open with shock. Everything about Ben in this moment screamed vulnerability, from his tone to his expression to his body language in general. He was so raw that it caught her off guard.

“I…” _Focus Rey._ “I care about you both.” She looked at him, trying to convey all the honesty she felt. She did still care about him. She couldn’t deny it.

His chest rose and fell as he stared back, as if in a trance.

“I can help you with that you know,” he motioned at the lightsaber with his chin.

“I don’t need your help.”

“Really? The frustration rolling off of you says otherwise.” He moved around behind her again.

“You know the basic mechanics, how the pieces should fit together, but it’s still not working and you don’t know why.”

She huffed in annoyance, but Ben could tell she was hanging onto his every word.

“You need to relax, breathe, and let the force guide you. Close your eyes.”

“Close my eyes?! That’s absurd, I need to see what I’m doing!”

“The force will guide you,” his voice calm and patient.

She briefly debated ignoring his advice before squeezing her eyes closed.

“Now, let go of all your emotions, everything you’re feeling right now.”

She let out a sarcastic snort.

“Rey...” his voice reprimanded.

“Yes, yes, I know. The balance.”

She inhaled deeply and before she knew it peace was radiating through her and her breathing had steadied.

“Now,” Ben leaned down, his head next to hers, his mouth dangerously close to her ear. “Ask the force to help you with the lightsaber. It can guide the pieces. It knows what to do.”

Ben’s voice crackled like a low fire in her ear, soothing and warm. Her hands automatically began to move over the metal, even though her eyes were still closed. She heard a click and then another and another.

“Good. Stay within the force, Rey. It’s working.”

He shifted his eyes from the lightsaber and her hands to take this opportunity to really study her face. She had a little scar on her right cheek that he had never noticed before. Her mouth was parted as she continued to concentrate and he could hear her small breaths. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he imagined her mouth and breath against his ear, their bodies entangled in a passionate embrace. He imagined trailing his lips down her neck, over her pulse, would she moan with satisfaction if he did that?

His breathing grew more ragged, his back aching from bending over, but he didn’t care. This was worth it.

“Good,” he breathed into her ear, watching the tendrils around her ear sway in response to his breath. He noticed the goosebumps appear on her neck and arm now, encouraging him. “You’re doing an excellent job.”

For a split second her breath hitched and he thought she was going to lose focus. But she regained her composure. He watched her chest rise and fall, it was hypnotic. He thought of his grandfather’s words. He thought of why the force bond finally opened between them now, of all times. All the anger he had felt towards her days earlier seemed gone in this moment. Now, he only felt serenity…and powerful attraction within such a close proximity.

“Rey,” he cooed, pushing his hot breath into her ear. That elicited a stronger reaction from her. She let out a quiet moan, tilting her head slightly back and towards him, her eyes still closed. The ends of his lips curled slightly, he liked this response.

But the moment had to be ruined of course. He could sense someone, on his end, approaching him. He straightened and walked back around to face her again.

“Rey.”

His new position and different tone jostled her out of her meditation. She looked around, blinking, gathering her bearings again, before steadying her eyes on him.

His eyes darted away, over his shoulder and his body grew stiff, his face going blank and unemotional. He listened for a few short seconds and then gave a curt nod.

“I have to go,” his eyes looked earnest again as he glanced back at her.

“But I haven’t finished yet.”

“You will.” His eyes drifted from her eyes to her lips before the connection was abruptly cut off, leaving Rey feeling disturbed.

Something felt unsatisfied within her. She felt frustrated, but not at him, or herself, or the lightsaber. It was something she couldn’t quite put her finger on; a dull ache within her.

* * *

Later that evening Rey, Finn, and the others gathered in the main meeting room at Connix’s request.

“Do you think we’re leaving?” Rey asked Finn as they shoulder to shoulder.

“I hope so. These catacombs are starting to freak me out.”

Poe jogged into the room. “We finally got a communiqué from Maz. She said we should meet her on Batuu.” Someone in the room clapped for joy.

“Where’s that?” Finn asked.

“The outer rim, an old trading post for misfits near the Wild Space.”

“The wild space?” Rey looked around anxiously at everyone else, folding her arms across her torso.

“It’s unmapped and well, wild,” Poe winked mischievously at Rey who just grimaced in response. “Anyway,” Poe clapped his hands together, “the plan is to split up and only a few of us will go to Batuu. Everyone else will stay here until we have a more concrete plan. Hopefully Maz has some good news and we can round up more support. I don’t want to move Leia, she needs to rest. BB-8 will go with me, of course. I’ll take Saile, Finn, Chewie, and Koo. Kaydel will stay and be in command here.”

“I want to go,” Rey spoke abruptly.

Poe winced and looked at her skeptically. “I think it might be better if you stayed.” He rubbed the back of her neck, a pained expression crossing his face.

Rey looked at Finn for support. “I want to go,” she held her ground, lifting her chin. Everything within Rey screamed that she needed to talk to Maz again. And she would, even if she needed to hide herself as a stowaway on the ship to get to Batuu.

“Rey should come,” Finn chimed in, holding Poe’s eyes with determination, a look of defiance on his face.

“Alright. You fix that lightsaber yet?”

“Not yet,” Rey’s voice was tinged with bitterness.

“Well, ok, make sure you bring you staff then. We leave in 10 minutes. Everyone, plan on being gone for a few days.”

“I’m going to go say goodbye to Rose, I’ll meet you on the ship,” Finn fell into step with Rey as she walked back to her room.

Rose was still unconscious from the Battle on Crait. Finn had visited her every day, sometimes sitting by her side for hours on end. Rey had once overseen him gently take Rose’s hand and hold it, rubbing his thumb lightly over the top of her fingers.

Rey nodded in response and they parted ways. She decided to make her own quick stop to say goodbye to Leia. She found the general asleep with Harter Kalonia, the only Resistance medic still alive, hovering over her and taking vitals.

“How is she doing?”

Harter sighed. “Same. She never fully recovered from what happened on the Raddus. I’ve been trying to give her a nutrient supplement but her body seems slow to react to it. Her oxygen levels are low, she has an electrolyte imbalance, and I’m worried what the hypoxia has done to her liver, but I can’t be sure without better medical supplies.”

“What’s hypoxia?”

“It’s a lack of oxygen circulating through your body and getting to your organs. When a traumatic event like what happened to Leia occurs, the body tries to preserve the heart and brain, while the rest of the organs often suffer tremendously.”

Rey studied Harter’s face. The doctor’s dark brown eyes were weary and sad. She had dark circles under her eyes and more gray in hair than Rey remembered when she had first met the doctor on D’Qar while she treated Finn’s wounds from Starkiller Base.

Harter typed something into a small holopad and then clicked it off. They were all trying to conserve energy on their devices. No one knew when they’d have a chance to resupply and repower the technology they did have.

“I suspect her condition is a product of more than just what happened on the Raddus,” Harter said grimly.

“Han and Luke,” Rey’s voice cracked.

Harter nodded, giving Rey a knowing glance.

 _And Ben,_ thought Rey.

Chewie moaned quietly behind them, nearly making both of them jump in surprise.

“Yes, Chewie, come in, come in. Let me look at you before you go off again,” Harter winked at Rey and grabbed her bag of medical supplies.

Rey patted Chewie’s arm, telling him she’d be on the Falcon soon. As she left she heard Chewie telling Harter how he had nearly starved on Ahch-To, but that he had courageously endured it to save the birds.

“Oh Chewie, you have such a sacrificial heart, quite the humanitarian,” Harter humored the wookie.

Back in her room, Rey quickly grabbed her boots, a second tunic Connix had made for her, and the pieces of the lightsaber. Looking around she realized she had nothing more to her name other than her clothes, the lightsaber, and staff that was propped up by the door.

 _The Jedi texts,_ the force whispered to her. _Oh yeah,_ a small smile crept across her face. She had the ancient texts, still in the compartment on the Falcon. Grabbing her back and staff she now had a bounce in her step. She hadn’t yet looked over them but maybe now she’d have ample time on the way to Batuu.

* * *

Ben held his head in his hands, his thick hair falling around his fingers.

His mind was ready to explode in confusion. Mixed feelings. Mixed signals. His grandfather’s kriffing words! His mother was still alive! Everything getting thrown at him was too overwhelming at the moment.

Helping Rey had given him a rush of exhilaration. He felt like he had purpose in that moment. More than when he sat here on the Finalizer, going over stormtrooper assignments on various planets.

He had been doing something constructive. He had finally been teaching her, like he had wanted to since he first found out she was force sensitive.

And the way she had responded to him! The imagery of her lips, her chest as she breathed, the smooth skin of her neck, the shape of her eyes, the goosebumps had stayed with him the rest of the day and followed him into his dreams that night.

What confused him even more was the fact that the force bond had finally opened back up between them after his conversation with his grandfather. Were the two connected? And his grandfather encouraged him to pursue Rey, whereas Luke had been furious when he had discovered the two of them interacting through the force. Why the opposite reactions from the two Skywalkers?

Anakin had given him hope that maybe, just maybe, Rey wouldn’t close herself off to him permanently. He had talked about finding love. _Romantic love_. The force was doing this, sanctioning this.

But Snoke had said he formed the bond…Ben shook his head. He had been so angry in that moment in the throne room. Snoke had just formed it to manipulate him and trap Rey? His father had been right. Snoke was only using him, only ever going to use him.

But now Snoke was gone and the bond still existed. Yesterday had been proof of that. The relief of finally being able to see her, to talk to her, calmed his every nerve. _She_ was the calm in the storm that raged inside his head.

* * *

Rey sat pensively gripping and rubbing her fingers together. Poe had yelled back over his shoulder that they were closing in on Batuu. She felt nervous to see Maz again; the last time the little female creature had bewildered her with her cryptic messages. Rey was determined to get more time with Maz on Batuu. She had more questions and she desperately needed answers.

But her mind kept cycling back to wondering when she’d get to talk to Ben again.

His presence had been so perplexing. There had been anger and sadness exchanged between them. And confusion. After everything that had happened, he still offered to help her rebuild the lightsaber.

And the end of their connection had felt so… _sensual._ Just thinking about it made her heart skip a beat.

 _He must be trying to lure me over to the dark side still, trying to win my trust and catch me when I’m vulnerable._ This binary way of viewing their relationship was the only way she knew how to rationalize what was going on between them, despite everything that had transpired between them while she had been on Ahch-To and the Supremacy. This way of looking at the situation made her feel more comfortable than any deeper soul searching and digging around for answers that weren’t just “black” or “white.” She needed to keep her guard up around him. She knew just how dangerous he could be.

A porg cooed next to Rey, rearranging its body next to its baby in the nest it had built in the Falcon. Rey watched as the mother nestled up to the baby protectively, Rey’s heart yearning for what she never had, or couldn’t remember at least.

A single tear rolled down her cheek. She quickly wiped it on her shoulder and smiled as Finn approached, resuming her façade.

* * *

**As always, I thank you for your kind words and kudos! Much love, you're all amazing!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N-It is I, your author. I'm sorry it's taken this chapter so long to get out, my dear readers. I am just really swamped with work as of late (it's not going to get better for a couple more months) and I left off on a pretty big cliff-hanger with my Harry Potter Snamione story so I needed to focus on updating that one more recently, because my readers were about ready to kill me (muhahahaha). I do thank you for your patience and ask you to continue to be patient with me as I work on this story. 
> 
> Also, thank you for all the lovely reviews, they truly make me smile! You guys rock. I love sharing Reylo with you all!
> 
> Lastly, I'd like to thank my writing/beta partners who are also members on AO3 & ff.net: vinventure12, palmetto_blue, All_the_Feels, & a couple of others!

"Wow," Rey whispered, looking over Chewie's shoulder as the Falcon entered into Batuu's atmosphere. Mountains crested on the horizon with low-hanging clouds drifting lazily below the summits, the tips of the mountain peaks extending above the clouds and climbing towards the heavens.

"I've never seen clouds look like that," Rey pointed towards the mountains, at the pale pink and purple clouds. "Even on Ahch-To they never looked like that. They're beautiful."

"It's from the sunrise," Poe responded, flicking a switch to begin their landing. "We're just in time for breakfast." He shifted in the co-pilot seat, his eyes bright and optimistic despite the dark circles underneath them.

"Where are we meeting Maz?"

"She gave us landing coordinates and told us to wait for her there."

"In the city? Will we get caught there?"

"Hopefully Maz is hiding us somewhere more discreet than that." Poe reached to tap another button.

Rey watched, her arms folded across her chest, as the ship flew over the tops of large city buildings, each with metal circular roofs. Tall perpendicular rocks towered over the manmade structures within the city; nature's way of refusing to relent to human development on Batuu.

"That mountain right there is called the Black Spires," Poe pointed. Finn appeared at Rey's side, BB-8 rolling up next to them, beeping excitedly.

"This place is beautiful," Finn breathed out, his amazement matching that of Rey's.

"Used to be a much more popular stop for explorers and traders heading into the Wild Space, I've been here once…years ago," Poe reminisced, his eyes growing soft as a small smile played at the corner of his lips. "These spires make it difficult to navigate ships through the city, that's for sure," he smiled mischievously, enjoying the challenge.

The Falcon flew over the city. Poe sighed, shaking his head. "I wish we had another ship. Or at least a cloaking device. The Falcon is going to give us away to anyone paying attention."

"Maybe Maz can get us another ship?" Finn suggested, his brow furrowed with concern.

"Yeah, maybe. Alright Chewie. Take us down."

Maz's coordinates led them miles outside the city, deep within the forest near a river valley and the edge of a cluster of spires.

Finn and Rey rushed off the ship first, BB-8 rolling down the ramp after them, all eager to see Batuu.

"It's even more green than Takodana," Finn exclaimed.

Rey breathed in deeply, the scent of bitter cedar bark mingling with fruity berries. Batuu's sweetly fresh smell juxtaposed with what she was accustomed to on Jakku: specifically the foul odors of fellow scavengers as they gathered to trade with Unkar Plutt. Ahch-To had introduced the salty sea breeze into her myriad of new experiences, to find a light coat of salt on her lips within her first couple of hours on the island was astonishing. The catacombs of Akiva were less pleasing: deep underground everything smelled like musky clay.

"It smells so good after being cooped up in the catacombs," she sighed happily. "There are so many shades of green!" She spun around, staring at the giant trees all around her.

"I bet Ahch-To was even prettier than this," Finn quickly glanced at Rey.

"It was a different kind of beautiful, I can't compare them really," she commented, her voice soft as she reached down and ran her hand over the velvety grass.

"I wish I could have come to Ahch-To with you."

"You had to get better," she assured him, hearing a tinge of regret in his voice, "and you were needed with the Resistance. Besides, my journey to Luke was something I had to do on my own."

"Hey guys, look over here," Saile called their attention. They ran up beside him as they heard the sound of a speeder approaching. Maz.

"Maz!" Poe cried out, running up to greet her first.

"Maz." Rey walked forward smiling.

"Rey from Jakku." Maz looked at Rey like she knew every single thing Rey had ever thought and felt, making Rey feel self-conscious over the prospects of having all her secrets potentially exposed.

Poe clapped his hands, rubbing them together. "What do you got for us, Maz? Please let there be some good news."

"Good news is sparse. The galaxy either fears the First Order now and doesn't think you have a shot at taking it on or trades with the First Order all the while trading with you and reaping the benefits. Many don't even want to get involved at all and drown out reality with entertainment, distracting and numbing themselves to avoid facing it. But, I do have a prospect for you. He's been a business associate of mine for decades and he's willing to meet with you. But you need to have a plan; he won't just back you for the sake of morality."

Poe and Finn exchanged a look. "We've got a plan," Poe nodded at Maz, rubbing his chin, his scruff darker and fuller than ever.

"We do?" Rey's interest was piqued. "I didn't know we had a solid plan."

Poe bit his bottom lip and winced, averting his eyes.

Finn shrugged. "It was just something we worked up before we came here."

But Rey could see through Fin's nonchalance. There was a glimmer of guilt in his eyes. They're hiding something from me, Rey thought angrily, but her internal fury was interrupted by Maz's warnings.

"You'll need to be aware of the Harkos, the bounty hunters on this planet, many of them have been contracted by the First Order," Maz's voice was smooth and gentle even as her warning cast a nervous tension over the group. "Although their allegiance can sometimes be swayed with a high price."

"Maz, if I could meet with you one on one that'd be great," Poe quickly ushered the humanoid off, his hand placed lightly on her back.

"Rey…" Finn started when Rey shot him a dirty look.

"It's fine. I don't need to know," she said before stomping back onto the Falcon.

* * *

Rey had settled down in the Falcon, deciding to work on the lightsaber again, as Poe met privately with Maz. She was happy for the distraction and relieved to find it calming her nerves, the anger towards Poe and Finn dissipating as she worked.

She looked over her work from the day before; observing how effortlessly the Force had seemed to guide her hands after Ben advised her to let go and trust the Force to work through her. She inhaled deeply, her chest swelling, her shoulders rising as she closed her eyes and surrendered herself to the Force. A soft smile crossed her face as her hands once again began to intuitively move, gliding over the pieces, snapping them into place, twisting at all the right spots. She reached for another piece to find her hand meeting an empty table, as she felt nothing but cold steel under her finger tips. Opening her eyes she found the lightsaber in one piece again. "I did it," she whispered, turning the lightsaber over and over in wonder. She stood up, her thighs hitting the edge of the table, but she didn't care; all she cared about was her triumph in repairing something she believed had been unfixable.

Her thumb pushed the ignite button and a spark of blue light shot out…only to crack and fizzle out immediately. She furrowed her brows and tried again, this time hitting it with more oomph. Blue static light blinked…on…off…on…off. She twirled the lightsaber, hoping the movement might help strengthen the blade. But it kept flickering and sparking.

"Kriff," she said, her face filled with disappointed agony.

"The kyber crystal is cracked," a smooth voice spoke up behind her.

Rey spun on her heel to stare into Maz's large goggled eyes.

"Cracked?"

Maz nodded "mmhmm" and came into the room, the door sliding shut behind her. "You can still use it, but you may want to rethink the design of the lightsaber. May I?" Maz held out her hand, asking for permission to study the hilt.

Rey handed it over willingly. She could use all the help she could get.

"Hmmm," Maz frowned.

Rey craned her neck, trying to see what Maz was frowning about. "Is something else wrong?"

"You're missing a few parts. Smaller parts, but they matter greatly, no matter their size. I know for a fact I can get these in town."

"Thank you," Rey smiled gratefully. She hesitated, shyly glancing at Maz, before speaking again. "You're force sensitive aren't you?"

"That I am."

"But you told me on Takodana that you're not a Jedi."

"Correct." Maz handed the lightsaber back to Rey. "A Jedi has specific training. That, I do not have."

Rey looked around the Falcon's storage bay. "I wish I understood all of this better."

"You will," Maz's confident voice encouraged the hope in Rey's heart to swell.

"I need someone to show me my part in all this. I thought Master Luke would, but he barely wanted anything to do with me. He didn't want to teach me."

"Why do you need someone to show you your place in all of this?"

Rey gaped at her, struggling to find her words. "Because I don't know the ways of the Jedi."

"Why do you need to know the Jedi ways?"

"Well if I'm to carry on the Jedi ways-"

"Why should the traditional ways of the Jedi continue?"

Rey's eyes widened even more. Will no one help me understand? Why is everyone telling me the Jedi must end?!

"But I don't know why the force has called out to me. It keeps calling out to me and…and…" Rey almost revealed her secret, the bond she had with Ben. But she just couldn't. It was too sacred to tell anyone about. And she felt ashamed. Would everyone hate her if they knew?

Maz narrowed her eyes, studying Rey's face carefully, her mouth set in a grimace. "I think you do know why."

Rey shook her head, tears appearing. "No…"

"You did know, at one point. I can sense it in you."

Rey gasped, choking on her emotions, as days of carefully confined anger, sadness, and confusion surfaced, overwhelming her to the core of her soul.

"You once…" Rey had to pause, swallowing her thickened saliva and trying to gain control of her breathing. "You once told me 'the belonging I seek is ahead of me, not behind me.' I thought that would be Han and the Resistance. And Luke."

"And you do not feel that way anymore. You have experienced another belonging."

"No," Rey whispered, her heart contracting at the thought of Ben.

But Maz hummed and shook her head. "Do not deny it, child." Once again, just like on Takodana, she reached out to Rey, taking her hand gently, her bracelets jingling together with her movements.

"Do not be afraid of what you're feeling, my child."

"I don't like all these feelings," Rey barely recognized her own voice, it was deep and raspy with emotion.

"I know, but they are only natural. You feel pain and sadness and anger. But also attraction. And love."

Rey withdrew her hand, pulling away and giving Maz a wary look.

"I don't-I can't." Rey pressed her lips together, her face flushing.

"Rey, what you're feeling isn't wrong."

"Rey! Rey!"

Rey's head snapped towards the door just as Finn burst into the room, his eyes large and full of excitement, nearly tumbling over the two women. "Rey!" he was out of breath. "I just got a com message from Connix. Rose is awake! And she's doing ok!"

Rey brushed back a couple of tiny stray tears that had escaped down her cheeks right before Finn came in, forcing herself to smile and rise up to hug her friend. She did feel happy for him, she really did, but the intensity of her conversation with Maz had tired her soul.

"That's great, Finn!" She sniffed. "I'm so happy to hear that," her voice was muffled against his shoulder as she hugged him.

"I can't wait to get back and see her. I feel so alive!"

Rey gave him a weak smile, praying to the gods that he wouldn't notice something amiss in her reactions. She folded her arms across as she stepped away from him. "I was just working on the lightsaber. Maz was helping me."

"That's great!" Finn exclaimed, his joy boiling over, as he looked at Rey with wonder.

Poe dashed past the room, skidding to a stop and back-tracking when he saw the three of them in the storage bay. "Hey guys, we're gonna eat and then get started with the plans."

Maz patted Rey's hand as they started to follow Finn out. "Think about what I said. And I will go get those parts for your lightsaber while you eat with the others."

"You're not going to join us for lunch, Maz?" Poe turned around, very obviously disappointed.

"No. I can't spoil my appetite. I have a dinner date with a very handsome Wookie later. Isn't that right, Chewie?"

Chewie roared his response, blinking flirtatiously at Maz. She chuckled in response.

"We're going to have a riverside picnic," she winked at Rey before turning to head down the ship's ramp.

"Chewie," Rey smiled at him coyly, touching the side of his arm affectionately. Chewie returned her stare with his own bashful look, moaning softly.

* * *

Ben sat on the edge of his bed, staring across his room at the floorboard. His arms hung limp in his lap, his expression withdrawn and defeated. Every few seconds the muscles under his left eye twitched ever so slightly, the skin pulsing.

He could not stop thinking about Rey and their last force bond. His body screamed with need at the way she had reacted to his presence; his teaching.

Fuck, he ran his hand through his hair. She had finally let him teach her something, despite still being angry at him. He felt her disappointment in him during that last connection; it rippled from her core and through the Force, sternly upbraiding him.

But she had still followed his instructions.

And the way she looked with her eyes closed and her mouth slightly parted, so serene, so appealing. Ben felt the blood rushing to a certain part of his body and balled his hand into a fist, struggling to maintain control over his carnal urges.

But his attempt was useless. He should just give in and think about her. When she had arrived on the Supremacy, he was shocked to see the transformation in her in just hours after their last force bond. Her hair had dried from her aquatic excursion on Ahch-To, but was still down around her shoulders, softly curled at the tips. It looked so silky, he wanted to take fistfuls of it and rub it between his fingers.

But something in her face had changed the most, in two ways that he could surmise. She didn't look at him with hate or suspicion anymore. No, she had a doe-eyed expression on the Supremacy; full of hope, calm, and resolve. But…she looked more mature as well. No longer the girl from Jakku with three buns, running around in the same clothes she had worn for years. When he met her in the docking area of the Supremacy, seeing her inside that escape pod from his father's ship, he found that her cheeks were now rosy, her lips more plump and reddened than he remembered, her eyes more exotic and intoxicating than ever before. Had that Force bond, when they reached out to each other, trying to communicate a mutual understanding and empathy, really been the thing to transform her?

And in the elevator…when her eyes had trailed from his fervent gaze, to his lips, dipping to his chest, the same chest she had seen bare only hours before. She had acted embarrassed when she caught sight of him in that Force vision, but he caught on to her curiosity and the memory of it made him smirk. He wanted to fluster her like that again. The thought of flustering her again sent a shiver up his spine. What could he do next time to make her cheeks redden again? To make her mouth drop in shock? To make her stumble over her words and send quick, curious glances his way?

He smirked at the thoughts that swirled around his head. He could tell her all the things he wanted to do to her body, all the places he wanted to touch her with his hands…his lips…his tongue. He could remove more articles of his own clothing. For most of his life he felt ashamed and awkward about his body, but with her, he never did. He felt safe and secure with her. He wouldn't mind removing his pants and showing her just how much he wanted her, the way she made him harden…the length of his cock. Would she be impressed by it? Or scared? Ben rubbed his face as he continued to smirk.

Gods, if only he had the chance. To do so through the force bond would be one thing…but in person…he couldn't even imagine. He sighed. His dirty thoughts would have to suffice…for now.

* * *

"Why can't I go with you guys?"

"Because we don't have a big enough squad to protect you."

"I'm not some damsel in distress, I can protect myself."

Chewie wailed his approval. "Thank you Chewie." She looked between the Wookie, Finn, and Poe.

"We just can't risk you being seen and reported to the First Order."

"They'll report all of us!"

"But you're different, Rey," Finn took over, taking a step closer to her, his eyes concerned. "Kylo Ren seems to have a personal vendetta against you. He's taken you once and I'll be damned if that happens again."

"Well they're looking for you too, Finn. And even more of them know what you look like now after you were caught with Rose on the Supremacy."

"Rey, listen, we're not trying to exclude you. Hey, we let you come here with us in the first place," Poe stepped up to her now, putting his hands on both her shoulders as he looked down at her. "You wanted to come to see Maz, and you got to see her. What we're going to do now, it'll just be a quick trip into the city. It's not a sight-seeing trip. I know you wish you could see more of the galaxy, but right now, with the war and all, we just can't. We're just going to try to round up some support from some men that Maz told us might be sympathetic to our cause."

Rey shrugged his hands off her shoulders, her body jerking violently. "Let go of me. I'm not trying to go on some sight-seeing trip! I wanted to go on whatever mission you're doing and actually be part of the team. You're hiding your plan from me for some reason. Either you're trying to protect me, or you don't trust me. But whatever your reasons are, they're demeaning, and I don't deserve to be treated like this."

She shot an angry look at both men and stormed off down the corridor of the Falcon, but not before she heard Poe say, "it's ok, Finn, she'll get over it."

Rey grit her teeth together and grabbed a scrap rag lying on a toolbox as she headed into the storage room on the other side of the ship. She twisted and knotted the rag as she paced in anger.

Poe's condescending tone and the way he touched her made her feel so belittled! How dare he treat me like a little child! She huffed, breathing through her nostrils noisily. Her fingers in her left hand began to grow numb with a slight tinge of pain; looking down she realized she had wound the strip of cloth so tightly around her hand that she was cutting off circulation to her fingers. She unwound it quickly and tossed it aside, massaging her hand back to feeling and wincing.

She sat on the edge of a crate and rubbed her forehead. What am I even doing anymore? I might as well just go back to Jakku and resume my life. Maz's words echoed in her mind, bringing back a fresh wave of unsettled anxiety, nausea accompanying it.

She needed something to do with her hands, something to preoccupy herself from her frustration. As promised, Maz had left the supplies for her, right on the steel table where Rey had worked on the lightsaber earlier. She grabbed the lightsaber from her belt and held it up horizontally in front of her eyes.

_The kyber crystal is cracked. The lightsaber needs to be redesigned. Kriff! Of course!_

She got to work, deconstructing the pieces and summoning the force. Let's hope this works! She thought excitedly.

* * *

Ben sat on his throne, barely listening as Hux's icy voice filled the room. The General was droning on about their military statistics, weapons shipments, and the plans to repair the Supremacy. The general seemed to be doing everything he could, short of groveling on his knees, to mollify Ren after Snoke's death; to not end up with the same fate as Snoke, or worse, end up scrubbing the lavatories for the rest of his life.

Ren shifted in his seat, feeling lethargic and sluggish. The skin under his eyes was slightly puffy, with purple eclipses betraying his resolve to seem strong and in command; but everything about his appearance betrayed him, broadcasting his poor state of mind and the weariness he felt. To the average observer, it would seem he was folding to the pressure of assuming the Emperor position.

But he knew the truth, and the weight of it was crushing.

General Hux was still giving his report when something out of the corner of Ben's eye caught his attention. Rey. Rey stood just behind Hux. His Rey.

He sat up fully now, all his senses heightened.

She was slowly walking around the perimeter of the room, watching him cautiously, her steps light and airy. Ben tried to pretend like he was still paying attention to Hux, but was failing, no doubt, as his eyes shifted from the pale red head's, to Rey's almond-shaped hazel eyes. He'd much prefer to look at Rey. Ben, however, could not talk to her at this moment. He had to let her know he wasn't alone. He tried to warn her with his eyes, but assumed it wasn't enough; he shook his head slightly.

Hux abruptly stopped talking and blinked in irritation, shooting a furtive glance to his side and behind him before looking back at Ben with a pinched expression.

"Is something wrong, Supreme Leader?" Hux's voice sounded even more tight and nasally than usual.

"No. Are we done yet?"

Hux shifted between his feet, his hands clasped behind him tightly, his lips pressed together.

"I had some other issues I was going to bring up."

Ben's shoulders heaved. "What?" unable to hide the irritation in his voice.

"I was going to report on the status of our stormtrooper units and their training. We have a full new class primed to graduate from training next week-"

Ben waved his hand dismissively, cutting Hux off. "I'll defer to you, General, when it comes to that program, since it's always been in your purview."

Hux stood up straighter, a fleeting look of surprise crossing his face before he resumed his stony expression. "Ah, very well then."

"What else?" Ben wanted to rip his hair out in frustration.

"The girl?"

"The girl?" Ben repeated, not following Hux's train of thought. He saw Rey freeze out of the corner of his eye since she could only hear his side of the conversation.

Hux gawked at Ben's blank expression. "What are we going to do about the girl? Do you not think Snoke's death deserves to be avenged?"

"Leave that to me," Ben answered quickly. A little too quickly. Hux narrowed his eyes, clearly suspicious.

"Your Knights of Ren, will they be staying with us indefinitely?"

"Unless I send them on a mission, yes. Do they make you uncomfortable, General?" Ben sneered, having regained his composure now. "Having six other Force users on board?"

A vein in Hux's neck bulged and he felt the slight clench of strangulation Kylo Ren was famously known for. "No, sir," he gasped, his eyes growing fearful and his nostrils flaring.

Ben let go. "Good. Now leave."

Ben carefully watched Hux depart from the room, raising his index finger to tell Rey to wait. Finally the heavy doors closed, a thud echoing around the room. Ben sighed, breathing easier now that he was alone with Rey. He looked at her with as much caution as she held in her own eyes.

She swallowed, holding the fingertips of one hand with her other. She's nervous, Ben thought, shifting in his seat as she came closer.

"I'm ready to meet now," her voice came out strong and clear, despite her nervous state.

Ben blanched, his heart thumping wildly. Really? Dare he believe her?

Ben struggled to talk, struggled to breathe. GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.

"Where?" He tried to make his voice sound as normal as possible but his simple question still came out shaky and ragged.

She swallowed and shifted her eyes away, looking uncomfortable. "I…I don't know. I have access to a ship-"

"Yavin 4." Ben sensed she hadn't thought out a specific plan yet.

"Yavin 4," she repeated, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Will that work? It is remote and less occupied." Ben now had more control over himself and the conversation, feeling more confident.

She nodded gratefully. "Yes."

He nodded his head once, a sense of finality and relief washing over him. "I will see you there soon."

Her face grew stoic and cautious once more. "Alone," she said forcefully. "We're meeting alone."

"Of course." He tried not to smile. He could feel her fear and anxiety rolling off of her, along with the unspoken question: you won't betray me, will you?

"I've never lied to you, Rey. You have my word," he added to distill her fears.

She nodded once again and he could feel most of her anxiety subside. He pulled up a holographic map and pinpointed a meeting space, giving her the coordinates before their connection cut out.

Ben took a deep breath. He hadn't imagined she'd be ready to meet so soon. Shooting up from his seat he crossed the room with confident strides, his heart pounding inside his chest. He commed his personal droid, instructing it to send any messages for him to his com link. He willed himself not to run to the shuttle bay, trying to keep a dignified and menacing look about him as he walked briskly past the stormtroopers and officers in the corridor. He hesitated as he reached the hangar. He didn't want to take his usual shuttle and he definitely didn't want to show up in a TIE-fighter. He spotted a T-5 Deliverance in the back of the bay, a smaller shuttle usually used for medical purposes. It would be perfect to fly across the universe undetected and not alarm Rey. The last thing he wanted to do was show up in a TIE-fighter or his huge, albeit sleek, command shuttle. No, this would do just fine.

He jumped in, geared the shuttle up for flight, and within a matter of seconds was out soaring among the stars, his heart still racing from his force connection with Rey.

* * *

Rey nervously dug the toe of her shoe into the ground, awaiting Ben's arrival. She couldn't believe she was doing this-meeting him after days of hoping she wouldn't have to deal with him for awhile. But Maz's words had stirred something within her, and the way Poe and Finn had been making her feel, deliberately leaving her in the dark about their plans like they didn't trust her, and Poe's infuriating condescension towards her, had made her long for Ben's company. But it was her success with the lightsaber that finally made her spring into action.

She had snuck into town, a veil over her head and covering her nose and mouth and used all the money the Resistance had given her when she left D'Qar for Ahch-To, to rent a small shuttle to take her to Yavin 4.

Then, not knowing if her plan would actually work, she sat down, criss-crossing her legs and closing her eyes to meditate. As she became one with the Force she reached out with her petition, asking it to grant her access to Ben. She was most surprised when this proved to be successful and all of a sudden she could see him, resting his head on his chin and staring straight ahead, his eyes glazed over.

Rey had jumped into the shuttle the minute the force disconnected them, feeling like her heart was in her throat, beating wildly. Now she waited impatiently, unable to stand still. The coordinates he had given her led to even more densely forested areas than on Takodana and Batuu. She found it difficult to find a place to land among all the trees and was glad she had rented a small shuttle for her journey. Sunlight filtered through the trees, softly spotlighting areas where large moss-covered roots protruded from the ground. Rey bathed in the light; this moon, she came to discover, was much more humid than the other places she had visited, and her skin quickly became dewy from the moisture that hung in the air. She could hear the rushing water of a river nearby. Even more intriguing was the trees' purple bark. Low hanging vines and birds calling to each other from their trees completed the environment. Despite feeling impatient as she waited for Ben, Yavin 4 was a feast for her eyes.

She felt his life force before she heard the shuttle approaching. With her heart once again ready to creep up her throat and leap out of her body, she readied herself in a battle stance, eager to show him her new masterpiece.

He looked like a vision as he approached through the trees; pushing a vine away from his face, the moisture giving his pale skin a luminescent glow. Rey sucked in a quick, shaky breath at the sight of him. Then she smiled and ignited her lightsaber. The glowing blue blade rapidly shot out the top…a second blade quickly followed in the opposite direction; the double bladed lightsaber reflected in Ben's dark eyes.

* * *

**A/N #2-Ayyyyyyyyy they're finally together in person! Will Ben act on his desires and try to fluster her again?!?!**

**Also, I'm on Twitter now, follow me, ya'll! SheLitAFire5 (I rt a lot of SW/Reylo stuff, but sometimes other stuff too)**


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